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Season 5 recap- Spoilers

2020.09.17 03:04 Thegreatsnook Season 5 recap- Spoilers

Actually, it may not be necessary to mark things a spoiler for a TV show from the 90s but I did anyway.
This season the show really starts to take off and a lot of things happen. Here are some of the highlights in a somewhat chronological order.
  1. We meet Lucy Knight. She is just adorable. She spends the entire season with Carter and the number of times she walks in to him and spills things on him is too numerous to count. They are total opposites, yet the show wants us to believe they belong together.
  2. Peter's son Reese is basically deaf. This arc goes all over the place during the season. In the finale Peter finds out that Carla is now married and planning on taking Reese to Germany. Peter basically kidnaps him from the babysitter as he can't stand to lose his son.
  3. Doug's arc is an absolute nightmare. He gets the job as as a pediatric emergency attending and then proceeds to break all sorts of federal and state drug laws. Probably committed Medicare fraud, and manages to drive Weaver crazy and even Greene is at his wits end. On one hand we are supposed to believe that Doug is the "bad boy" who is doing the correct thing for his patients and somehow we are supposed to ignore how he is abusing the trust of others. Eventually things blow up and bye bye Doug he leaves to head to the Pacific northwest.
  4. Weaver is insufferable and we spend most of the season hating her guts. She wants the ER Chief job and proceeds to annoy the crap out of everyone. They did soften her up later in the season to the point that you can almost like her.
  5. Carter is still being punished by his family and isn't taking any of his trust fund money. He works as an RA at the medical school. Lucy is supposed to help chaperone a Halloween party, but instead things get out of control, she gets wasted and they have a medical emergency when some of the students OD. Carter gets kicked out as an RA and very comically ends up renting a room from Weaver.
  6. Corday almost kills a patient when she gives him 100 times the dose of a medicine.
  7. We have a nice Christmas miracle episode where one boy dies to save a girl who needs a liver and they both happen to have the same blood type.
  8. Amanda Lee- What a hoot. They hire her to be the ER attending and she is doing a great job. Everyone seems to like her. However, she turns out to be a fraud and isn't even a real doctor. She also turns out to be crazy and was stalking Dr. Greene. Eventually she locks him in the MRI room, goes on a rant and then disappears.
  9. Romano- We finally get to meet him. Wow, what an ass, but I love him. He immediately sets Peter and Corday at each other as they are fighting for fellowships and surgery times, etc. He gets accused of sexual assault by Maggie (not really used this season) and to get in good with Anspaugh he agrees to be the temporary ER chief. I think they had to introduce him as they needed a villain and Kerry just wasn't it.
  10. Carol- Her left fest with Doug continues. No more talk about marriage, although they appear to be living together. It isn't clear where as the house seems very nice as opposed to the hellhole Carol had purchased.
  11. Doug and Carol What drove Doug out was the two of them were helping a mom who had a son with a terrible disease and was going to die imminently. Doug breaks all sorts of rules to help the mom as the kid is in so much pain. When the kid dies, the father accuses Doug of murder. Anspaugh and Romano are furious with Doug, Carol, and Mark and Kerry for trying to cover things up. Doug goes to the pacific northwest and Carol stays in Chicago.
  12. Disaster episodes- A staple of ER. We have a snow plow slice a school bus in half, but somehow end up on top of it. Not quite as good as the chemical fire episode from season 4, but enjoyable.
  13. Peter goes on vacation- Peter goes to the south to be a visiting physician as he needs the money. It almost seems like this was made in 2020. Lots of racism and showing the suffering of poor rural black people.
  14. Carter- On a ride along the ambulance is being attacked by an angry mob who were mad that they were trying to save a white slum lord. In a mad dash to escape Carter ends up running over one of the protesters. Later on a white paramedic gets killed in a drive by and everyone knows they were really looking to kill Carter.
  15. Mobalaga- We are introduced to a Nigerian janitor who was a torture victim. This arc gets kind of crazy as everyone thinks he stabbed his wife when he finds out that the Army gang raped her, Turns out she tried to kill herself.
  16. Jeanie- As if being HIV+ isn't bad enough she now has Hepatitis C. Throughout the season she dates a couple of people, but it is always awkward. By the end of the season she is with a cop.
  17. Disaster episode two- The hospital has a power outage and the back up generators fail also. Total Chaos.
  18. FBI- The FBI come rolling up with a woman who is shot. She is obviously either a stripper or prostitute. They treat her and take her to an undisclosed location. Then the real FBI show up and ask about her. God bless the writer for this plot.
  19. Final episode- I've already mentioned some of the things that happened. Here are a couple more. Carol is pregnant with twins. She faxed Doug. He calls her, but isn't coming. Corday and Greene start to get serious. It wasn't that great of season finale.
  20. One last point. I believe that twice in the episode people were in car accidents and the cops wanted blood alcohol tests. I believe in both cases they were .09. I have a feeling this season came out around the time that most states were changing the legal limit from .1 to .08. I can't help but think that somehow this was a public service message to stop drunk driving.
  21. Peter gets the Trauma fellowship and we are led to believe that Corday is taking the cardio-thoracic fellowship and will get to stay in the country.
On to season six.....
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2020.08.28 17:41 DeathCIoud My aunt(50) has actually gone crazy. Most of her family is a state away, what can we do?

CA - Crazy Aunt
UH - Unfurtunate Husband
Thelma - Oldest daughter of CA
Daphne - Youngest Daughter of CA
Me - deathcioud
Clay - Probably a Nigerian Prince or something.
So a little backstory. My CA used to be the sane one in the family. She went to school, had three amazing daughters, who are the best cousins I could ask for. Two are active in the Navy, one is the mother to my godchild. Anyway, over the past few months, my CA has been .... well going crazy.
She's attacked her UH, knocking him out multiple times. Shes hit Daphne in the face, giving her a black eye and causing her to move out of her house. She's been on Paltalk, on camera rocking back and forth, yelling, screaming the works.
She recently "Fell in love with" this guy on the internet, after abusing her husband.This guy is so amazing. He's a farmer in Pennsylvania, who owns 100 acres of cornfields. Filthy rich, and owns his own company. She talks about him all the time, even going on weird rants on facebook about him. (He doesnt have a facebook by the way. As a matter of fact, she doesn't have a picture of him, his "cell phone service" is bad so he cant call her often, and no one in her Paltalk group (Where she claims to have met him and talked with for a long time) have ever seen or heard of the guy. He also hasn't told her his last name. But he's rich, and will buy her a car, but doesnt have any money right now.
So, I dont get on Facebook often. The one day I do, I see a large post about this Clay guy. I was confused about it, because that's not UH's name. I messaged her asking her whats going on (That thread has like 100 comments of people concerned for her health, because unbeknownst to me, this wasn't the first facebook rant about this strange man-gift from god she received.
I message her asking her whats going on, and she calls me. Here's the transcript that I typed up as she was talking.


CA: Thelma is living in her own fucked up world. It's really really bad. She (Thelma) proved how much of a selfish bitch she is. (No clue why she started by saying this, what an introduction to a phone call)
CA: (mumbles) I called her that in a text too, a selfish fucking bitch.
CA: But he (Clay) is my big daddy, he makes me happy happy happy happy. (She says this with a slight crescendo, the last happy sounding like a Barnie chant or some shit) Big clay gonna get you and your wife a house wherever you want! (talking like a child actually)

Me: How'd you meet him?

Her: Online (Paltalk)

She starts babbling about a big black truck. (She actually does sound insane here)
She doesn't have a vehicle but "Clay" tells her he will buy her one.

CA: And he told me he can't wait to have me ride him on his tractor (Laughs like joker)
Talks about doing him in the cornfield field and whatnot.
CA: Look up Saint Elmo island... THAT is where I want him to take me for my birthday something something anchor. It's a thousand dollars a night!
(Sounds insane as f)

Now keep in mind, none of us have seen, or heard from this "Clay". The people she talks to on Paltalk all the time have never seen this guy either.
Doesn't have a Facebook apparently, his phone doesn't have service all of the time.

She then tells me this story


CA: We get on Paltalk.
CA: Daphne (the last daughter that lives with them) Comes with us every day in the room. its a music room, weed room we smoke a lot of weed. and uhm we turn our cameras on, and you can see whoever has their camera on, you can SEE them! You're not looking at a picture or something, this is a live camera.

CA: This is how me and UH communicated when he worked. Well, Clay used to date my ex-friend. She's the reason why me and UH couldn't save our marriage because when she dated Clay, she fucked up his mind. She got him to the point where our friend, he was being mean to our friend. I didn't like him at this point because I didn't know him.
(This story is useless to me, but you guys get to suffer too, I had to hear this over the phone)

CA: These last 3 weeks I've been going through hell. Imma gives you an example of this mother fucker did. He (UH) spit in my face with Daphne watching him.
Me: Why would he do that?
CA: He was mad at us because we wouldn't let him smoke. (mumbles) Cuz he was mean to me (in the voice a child would have while tattling)
CA: And then he has the nerve, THE NERVE. Daphne was yelling at UH for spitting in her face. I didn't do that he said. He went up to her stuck the bird finger in her face, and said you see this you can take it and shove it up to your ass, and you and Thelma can go live in your own little sick world. Daphne was so hurt. I fucking lost it and Knocked his ass out. Let me tell you another thing he did to Daphne.

For context again, Daphne has denied every story she's been telling people and has since sought shelter at a friend's house.



CA: One morning we get up... Daphne was about to leave, so she decided to smoke with us, but she didn't have much left. He finally wakes up at this point, and she goes to her car. He took off, mad bc we smoked without him.
CA: Daphne comes back because she forgot the rest of her weed, asks wheres the weed. Its not in her jar. He took your weed and left!
CA: What's wrong with this muddafukka? (Sounds like the FUCKING ACCUSER woman here. No lie I had to mute my phone to laugh)


CA: If Daphne wouldn't be here he would have shot me dead. I would have been happy I was dead cuz I'm going meet God, I know I am cuz I've been in hell. HE BROUGHT ME HERE AND KEPT ME, HOSTAGE. blah blah blah.

CA: Enough about that mother fucker. I found someone to love me, unconditionally. He IS real, I'm going to take a picture to show that he is real. But he's HOT, he works in the field all day long. He promised today I can show a picture of him to show that he's real.

He's got the most huge dimples I've ever seen. Nose to chin that's how big they are. And I can't wait for everybody to see what my husband looks like.

You know me, would I post something on facebook that isnt true?

So she doesnt know his address, his last name, and the name of his huge company. lol

I ask her real questions about him

she starts talking about my mom and baby brother who both passed away, then she begins hyperventilating.

She told her entire family that she believes trusts her that she will buy a house for them.

CA: God has my back, and Clay by my side, so everything will be okay.


Second call

landlady and landlord called her they wanted to come to inspect the house and stuff
Superintendant came and brought her a letter: She got fired because of what she posted on Facebook. Was excited about this because that means
She's going meet Clay this week now, (laughing maniacally)

This was two weeks ago. Spoiler alert, still have not seen or heard from "Clay". Daphne denies ever seeing him.

CA just recently tried to go into a bank, and then caused a scene because Mark Zuckerberg promised to send her money.

I was fed up by the second call, so I didn't really type it well. Sorry, its gonna be authentic.
Anyway, she's obviously fell for a Zuckerberg scam, and no one believes this "Clay" guy is legit.
She needs help. Thelma has tried wellness checks, and the cops said nothing was wrong. But there is something wrong, we're all worried about her, but she lives 8 hours away. What can we do?
I have copies of her facebook posts, and have video recordings of her episodes as well.
Today we found out that she won 10,000,000 in a Totally Legit™ Facebook lottery! (The scam she fell for and yelled at the bank I mentioned earlier) This is going beyond crazy at this point. EVERYONE on her facebook is telling her shes wrong, shes getting scammed but "NO ONE BELIEVES" that this Totally Legit™ Lottery is Totally Legit™
submitted by DeathCIoud to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.08.25 07:01 thehariharan The Overhaul: a Fan's (Limited) Perspective

I made this comment in the OT, and it intrigued me while contemplating our current situation, so I did a little digging, and this is what I've uncovered so far:

PREMATURE CONTRACT TERMINATIONS:

FIFA has specific rules and protocols in place regarding the termination of contract of footballers
Article 13 of the RSTP states that a contract between a professional footballer and a club may only be terminated upon its expiration or by mutual agreement. Indeed, FIFA’s own Commentary on this article states that it “aims to ensure… [the] contract will be honoured by both parties.” It is common for there to be termination provisions that allow for the club to terminate in the event of certain circumstances – for example, gross misconduct, bringing the club into disrepute, material or persistent breach of contract,
Articles 14/14B and 15 of the RSTP also allow for a contract to be terminated by asserting “just cause" or “sporting just cause" respectively. Whilst the qualification requirements for the latter can be contentious (as the athlete seeking to rely on the provision must be an “established” player), the rationale for the provision is fairly clear. Indeed, one aim of “sporting just cause” is to prevent clubs leaving players on the bench (or rot in the reserves) whilst refusing to sell them.
The “just cause” rationale will depend on the conduct in question. The original drafting of Article 14 was very broad – indeed, even FIFA’s Commentary on Article 14 was sufficiently opaque to leave it open to interpretation – and therefore often in the hands of a tribunal.
Source
Simply put, a contract termination happens only on 2 occasions ideally, i.e end of the contract or by mutual termination. In the present case, the club has communicated to Suarez he isn't part of the plans for the next season, although fans can be rest assured that the termination will be by mutual means and not a unilateral decision, as the club has no "Just Cause" in terminating his contract, so we're at-least not liable for sanctions, under Article 17 of RSTP.
Just Causes specifically exclude the following:
  1. Poor Performances
  2. Injuries
Under "Poor Performances":
DRC Decision of 28th July 2005 No 75975, the DRC also decided that a player’s lack of performance is no just cause for a club to unilaterally terminate an employment contract.
In summary, clubs are not allowed to terminate the contracts of their players based on poor performances. As a footballer, whether you truly have a dip in form during the season and your club eventually gets relegated, or your club makes up an accusation of “poor performance” against you; the club cannot unilaterally terminate your contract as there would be no just cause.
As a club owner or Administrator, it is advisable that the club considers finding an amicable way to agree with the player for a mutual termination of his/her contract where there is poor performance. Alternatively, the Club may offer the player to other football clubs who may be interested in his/her services.
Under "Injuries":
It is also important to note that a player’s contract cannot be terminated based on the circumstance that the player was injured; most especially where such injury was sustained in the course of offering his/her services to the club. In fact, it does not matter if the injury period is lengthy per DRC in the decision of 13th May 2005 No 55230.
So, with Injuries and Poor Performances out of the way, the only Just Cause of termination of Contract can be "Absences", while it does seem straight forward, there are some important caveats to note:
he absence must be lengthy for it to be enough to constitute ‘just cause’.
DRC decision of 10th June 2004, the DRC noted that during the one month when the player stayed away from his employer club, no official matches were scheduled in the national league of his national football federation. Therefore, the absence of the player did not pose a serious problem to the club. In such a circumstance, rather than a termination, what a club should do is to fine or suspend the player. It is in circumstances where such an absence is lengthy or repeated so often that the club cannot be reasonably expected to put up with such behaviour, that the club can then go ahead to unilaterally terminate the contract (after having previously served a notice of absence on the player).
Notable Examples of this occuring are:
Source (Note: This is based on Nigerian FA's adoption of FIFA's Judgements, La Liga may have other rules made within the same framework tho)
all of whom were served a notice to return during their absence, and their failure to comply resulted in a unilateral termination of their contract(s).
So, all in all, Barca has no Just Cause to unilaterally terminate Suarez's contract which means, the club must negotiate for a mutual termination of his contract.
A Mutual Termination presents it's own issues, as the player is entitled to remuneration as mentioned in the contract upon the event of Termination as agreed in the contract.
This is a template of a Contract entered into between a player and the club, per the Norwegian FA. Under Clause 6. Termination of Contracts, it specifically states that there are 3 possibilities of Terminating Contracts i.e.
  1. Mutual Consent (expiry of contractual period)
  2. Club's right to Terminate (Just Causes)
  3. Player's right to Terminate
It must be noted that when a Player decides to Terminate his Contract with the club:
If The player terminates the contract where there is sporting just cause, The player may be liable to pay compensation to the club, according to NFF and FIFA rules. The player may only terminate his contract during periods defined in the NFF and FIFA regulations, and if the termination is given outside these periods, this could lead to sanctions being imposed on The player. Reference is also made to NFF and FIFA regulations regarding the player’s right to terminate the contract after a protected period of two or three years, depending on the player's age at the time the contract is signed. If The player unilaterally terminates the contract without just cause, in or after the protected period, The player will be liable to pay compensation to the club, according to NFF and FIFA regulations. If the player unilaterally terminates the contract without just cause in the protected period, sporting sanctions shall be imposed, according to NFF and FIFA regulations.
Based on this, there is no way in hell will Suarez try and terminate the contract from his side, because that obligates him to the club.
When done based on Mutual Termination:
A contract terminated by mutual consent will mean the player receives a compensation payment for early cessation of the contract.
A Player will be entitled to wages from the date of termination to the end of his contract. Contracts in football usually run to 30 June. So during January you would sign someone until 30 June 2012, or 30 June 2013, or 30 June 2014 or longer if you wanted to commit to that. So the player will have been entitled to almost 6 months wages from his previous club, assuming his previous contract ran until 30 June this year, rather than a year longer than that. He may well have taken early settlement of maybe half the amount he was owed as a lump sum. Then he can sign for another club and earn wages for the same period from a new club so he benefits in terms of the lump sum payout, and he may negotiate higher wages at his new club or lower wages.
Early settlement is usually agreed by payment of a lesser amount to the player by the club who hold his registration. The advantage for the club holding his registration is that they have less wages to pay out than they otherwise would have, which is useful if they no longer want the player, but want to free up resources to sign someone else. The advantage for the player is that they are free to sign a deal with any club who they can persuade to sign them, whilst getting a lump sum payout from their previous club. They can negotiate whatever terms they wish (subject to the limit and length of time that a club will be prepared to pay them), including higher or lower wages, image rights, goal bonuses, clean sheet bonuses, length of contract and so on.
The reason players are able to do this is because they are (normally) signed on fixed term contracts, which because of the Law of Contract and because of legal cases in history, means they are entitled to the full terms of their contract from day one, whether their employer still wants them or not. The only get out an employer has under fixed term contracts is for breach of contract by the employee, such as gross misconduct in a disciplinary procedure.
This is as opposed to most employees who are employed on open ended contracts with a specified notice period and in these cases the employee is only entitled to be paid their notice period plus any work they have completed at any given time, subject to employment legislation for redundancy rights , employment rights and so on, which provides a limited level of protection against unscrupulous employers.
Source (Note: This is based off a FAQ page, and hence might not be entirely reliable).
Based on the above, it is to be noted that a fixed sum is typically paid to the player, upon mutual termination and it is usually a little lower than the amount they are owed for the remainder of their period.
Also, this is an inference I made, and hence is subject to legal clearance but where there is a dispute between the amount agreed as remuneration for Mutual Termination, the dispute maybe settled in the CAS based on the Principle of PACTA SUNT SERVANDA, which is beautifully summarised as follows from the PoV of the Arbitartors.
Contractual freedom and compliance are, however, to be balanced by another fundamental principle that is imbued throughout the Swiss legal system – one of fairness. This includes the requirement to act in good faith in commercial dealings (something that is not an obligation in the common law system). Parity in termination of employment contracts might well be seen as an extension of the overarching principle of fairness – so the interplay between that, on one hand, and sanctity of contract, on the other, has been a delicate one for football tribunals to navigate.
So, based on the above, its fair to say that the demand of 25 million euros by Suarez, won't be accepted by the club and will most likely end up in the CAS for arbitration and awarding of compensation.
Source.
I think it’s fair to assume that situations like these, especially for players who’ve contributed more than the rest and remained nothing but professional, deserve better negotiations for exits from the club, and that the fans who did want him out, are allowed to feel disappointed over the manner of handling the situation.
Ignoring the sentiments and emotions surrounding this whole deal, a contract termination is still a very extreme measure and usually done with players who’re delinquents and toxic to the rest of the team, and if any, Suarez deserves an exit befitting of the legend he is, and not to be shoved off the backdoor.

LA LIGA SALARY AND TRANSFER CAP:

The predominant argument for this seems to be the cap imposed by La Liga in transfer expenditure, so here is the actual decision.
La Liga recently published the figures for the salary cap for the season 2019/2020.
The Salary Cap is the maximum amount that each club can spend during the 2019/2020 season after the winter market, and includes the expenditure on Players, First Coach, Second Coach and First Team Physical Trainer (Staffing Costs eligible under Article 38 of the Budgeting Rules).
It includes Fixed and Variable Salaries, Social Security, Collective Premiums, Acquisition Costs (including Commissions for Agents) and Amortisation (purchase amount of players charged annually according to the number of years of the player’s contract).
This limit also includes expenditure on subsidiaries, youth teams and other sections (non-eligible staff, as defined in Article 38 of the Budget Rules).
Source
The above-mentioned limit is calculated as follows:
  1. Expected income (e.g. television, marketing and match-day revenue).
  2. Average amount of transfer income over the previous three years.
And the limit set by La Liga for Barca for 2019/20 was 656.429 million euros. This amount of 656.429 is the max the club can spend on everything ranging from Player and Manager Salaries, Transfer Fees to Academy Expenditure. If exceeded, the club will face heavy sanctions.
The club has an annual Pre Tax player wage bill 278 million euros, coupled with transfer expenditure of 273 million, which forms the bulk of our 656 million budget, leaving a balance of 105 million for other expenditures of the club, including Amortization of Fees for players like Dembele and Coutinho. Although, expenses such as travel, security and non-sports staff will be deducted.
Note: La Liga's ruling clearly states Transfer Expenditure and not Net Spend, as Transfer Income is already taken into account while calculating the Limit.
One can only assume that the Salary and Transfer Cap Limit for the 2020/21 season is going to be much lower, as the club has lost revenue of 200 mil coupled with low transfer incomes.
A safe estimate as to the Limit can be arrived at:
  1. Expected Revenue for the Year: (1000 million - 200 million loss) = 800 million
  2. Average Transfer Income of 3 Previous Seasons:
2019/20: 158.9 mil
2018/19: 134.05 mil
2017/18: 232.50 mil
The average Transfer Income works out to: 175.15 million.

Now the limit, is calculated as the Simple Average of Points 1 and 2 above, which works out to 487.575 Million, which as expected is a pretty steep decline from 2019/20 season.
Of that 487.575 million, the club has already spent 43 million for transfers, leaving a balance of just 444.575, and hence we arrive at the conundrum of reducing our wage bill. Barca's wage bill of 278 million euros, coupled with further transfer expenditures planned like Lautaro for a Net Total of 70 mil, and Eric Garcia for 15 million leaves us with good wiggle room at 81.57 million. (Note: I'm not entirely sure on how to deal with player swaps i.e whether to take the Net Spend, or the Gross Value, although I'm pretty sure if Barca are suddenly looking to trade players as Barto mentioned, then it must be the Net Value that is taken).
Even if Barca managed to terminate the contracts of Luis Suarez, there is still the 25 million Termination Fee that he is owed, and going based on rumours where neither Umtiti nor Vidal have garnered any interest from other clubs, and we decide to terminate, let's assume that they demand 50% of what they're owed, which works out to 12 mil * 50% * 3 years = 18 million for Umtiti, and 9 mil * 50% * 1 year = 4.5 million, so the total Termination Fee comes to 47.5 million, while our savings in wages on 4 players comes to 57.75 million. Which means, our net Savings is a grand total of 10 million from Terminating Contracts, and a total Transfer Fee of 5 million.
Whereas with proper negotiations, the club stands to earn a transfer fee and saves wages in it's entirety. Assume we get 20 million for Suarez, 5 million for Rakitic, 10 million for Vidal and 25 million for Umtiti, that is 60 million in Transfer Income along with 57.75 million of savings in wages, arriving at a tidy sum of 117.75 million, in total savings.
Simply put, if we'd been more professional and negotiated proper exits for the departing players, we'd have gained 57.75 million on top of the remaining 81.57 million, giving a healthy balance of 139.32 million. Guess it pays to be nice.

SQUAD PLANNING:

Based on all the rumours that have been posted, the club is getting rid of 4 players from the first team in Suarez, Vidal, Raki and Umtiti, and second fiddle players such as Firpo, Todibo(?), Braithwaite, Wague and Rafinha. We're retaining Sergi, Semedo, Pique, Alba, Busi, Coutinho and Alena.
Other incoming players like Lautaro, Cancelo, Eric Garcia, Donny and a new LB all seem unlikely at the moment.
Our primary issue since Neymar left, has been no width and progression in the flanks and that doesn't seem likely to change for this season too. Our wingers are Fati, Trincao and Dembele, while it seems exciting, please do bear in mind that Fati and Trincao are still relatively unproven, and Dembele can be counted on for a total of 10 games in a season. Our fullback situation is worrying, and Semedo is in the thick of things, and the club rewards him with an extension till 2025, while Sergi is going to be moved into midfield.
With Suarez leaving in acrimonious terms and the club needing cash for Lautaro, I'm gonna assume it's an unlikely transfer as of now, so that leaves us with Griezmann as our main 9, or a transfer for Depay which would likely cost 50 million and huge wages.
Koeman looks likely to play a 4-2-3-1, which screams for proper wing-play and a proper 9, instead we're having a makeshift 9 in Griez, and inexperienced/inconsistent wingers, coupled with 2 No.10s in Coutinho and Messi who lack the workrate and pace. Coming to the pivot, the team has Puig, Pedri, Alena, Frenkie, Pjanic, Sergi, Busquets, Matheus Fernandes. 8 players, 8 for 2 positions on the pitch.
Albert Roge reported that Barca were going to use either Sergi or Semedo in a swap deal with City for Cancelo and Eric, but new reports suggest that both are staying, and hence the possibility of signing Cancelo looks unlikely. The Board may choose to pay 15 mil for Eric, but my guess is as good as yours.
While the wheels have been put in motion for the overhaul, the squad still lacks a lot of crucial profiles, namely reliable fullbacks and wingers, failing to sign those would again result in the same issues as the current season.

CONCLUSION:

Actions such as forcing legends out of the club, have long term impact on the club’s image and ability to attract players. We’re slowly but surely chipping away at whatever goodwill we’ve earned and now contract negotiations with agents for signing their players is going to be that much more difficult. We’ve already burned the bridge with Mino Raiola and his clients based on how we treated Zlatan, and that shit was 10 years ago. Since then, IIRC not a single client of Raiola's has come Barca's way.
So as we’re all sitting and applauding at the supposed new found “ruthlessness” of the club, and thinking this is going to have the remaining players on their feet and prevent complacency, we now face a new issue of retaining players that we actually want to keep, because like I said, actions have fucking consequences.
While the entire fan base can be held accountable for suddenly changing their stance on Suarez, remember, the Board fucking had a clause in the contract of a 33 year old Luis Suarez that triggered an automatic extension by another year, when he plays 60% of the games in a season and considering the number of alternative No.9s we have and their seamless integration into the club, Luis Suarez would’ve played for another year, without a doubt.
Oh and finally, the Suarez situation is just the tip of the iceberg. We’ve offered contracts that defy logic:
And all the supposed revolution, that was going to clear out the veterans and their humongous wages, is realistically 4 people, of whom 2 have no clubs that are interested in them. We still have the same issues of lack of pace in Midfield, lack of consistent fullbacks, lack of a reliable backup for Alba, lack of reliable creative wingers, and 8 players for 2 positions.
Have Barca learnt their lesson: FUCK NO! Time we stop fooling ourselves, till we see some actual fucking results. This Sporting Department and by an extension the Board, can't GTFO quick enough, imo.
submitted by thehariharan to Barca [link] [comments]


2020.08.17 11:59 jw_mentions /r/religion - "Pregnant Jehovah’s Witness Patient Dies Over Alleged Refusal Of Blood Transfusion"

I am a bot! Please send NotListeningItsABook a private message with any comments or feedback on how I work.
EDIT: As of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020, the post is at [15pts11c]

About Post:

--- --- Notes
Submission Pregnant Jehovah’s Witness Patient Dies Over Alleged Refusal Of Blood Transfusion
Comments Pregnant Jehovah’s Witness Patient Dies Over Alleged Refusal Of Blood Transfusion
Author stilllovesjah
Subreddit /religion
Posted On Mon Aug 17 04:39:51 UTC 2020
Score 15 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Total Comments 7

Post Body:

n/a - not a self post

Related Comments (11):

--- --- Notes
Author kixiron
Posted On Mon Aug 17 10:57:48 UTC 2020
Score 6 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
Given that the Jehovah's Witnesses will always be with us, the mainstreaming of blood management techniques (such as intraoperative blood salvage) would certainly be helpful.
--- --- Notes
Author Kentuckywindage01
Posted On Mon Aug 17 09:55:01 UTC 2020
Score 23 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 3
Body link
I took a course about Christianity in college, and the biggest assignment was to attend different church services throughout the semester. I went to a Kingdom Hall for one of those services. The whole service was about not sending their children to college because they’ll lose faith and it destroys families.
--- --- Notes
Author Alexis_Vandelay
Posted On Mon Aug 17 14:08:51 UTC 2020
Score 10 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
/exJW
is always a popular subreddit
--- --- Notes
Author EkpoShinigami
Posted On Mon Aug 17 11:46:04 UTC 2020
Score 9 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
It's funny, they act like a united front when there are schisms in their order. I've been to Kingdom Halls with highly educated professionals that want the same for their children and beyond.
That being said, I watched one of their videos where they explicitly stated that they don't encourage people that want to serve at their Bethels to go to college/university so that they can be entirely focused on the ministry.
--- --- Notes
Author juan-milian-dolores
Posted On Mon Aug 17 22:52:54 UTC 2020
Score 1 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
All baptized JWs possess that living will, and they make sure everyone has an up to date, signed copy every year.
--- --- Notes
Author ibhatuis
Posted On Mon Aug 17 18:20:38 UTC 2020
Score 2 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
The way this is worded makes it sound like being a Jehova's Witness is a disease.
Accurate
--- --- Notes
Author juan-milian-dolores
Posted On Mon Aug 17 22:50:52 UTC 2020
Score 2 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
Body link
A major factor in that belief is fear of retribution. If a JW accepts a blood transfusion, that's literally equivalent to turning in a letter of resignation from the church, which they deem a sign of "apostasy", meaning you've become an enemy of the religion and of God. They call this "disassociation", which is functionally very similar to their "disfellowshipping". The consequences of which are being completely and totally cut out of the lives of your family and your entire social circle, since they discourage "friendship with the world". If they see you on the street they'll literally pretend you don't exist or walk the other way, avoiding all contact, even eye contact.
Add to that that the true believer in need of this blood transfusion is convinced that accepting a blood transfusion is essentially an unforgivable sin for which God will destroy you at Armageddon, causing you to lose your place in the earthly paradise where, had you remained faithful, you would have lived forever.
Long story short, it's a heavily fear based decision. Better to die, they basically reason, and exist in God's memory and get resurrected in the future rather than die with everyone including God thinking you're a selfish bastard who willingly chose to break one of God's most serious rules.
--- --- Notes
Author crownjewel82
Posted On Mon Aug 17 14:06:51 UTC 2020
Score 3 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
Body link
What Watchtower wants and what the average JW wants are usually two very different things and a great deal depends on what the leadership at each Kingdom Hall is like. I knew a girl with PMDD who's parents pushed back against the church over birth control and I've known JWs who have living wills to keep them from receiving transfusions in an emergency.
--- --- Notes
Author EkpoShinigami
Posted On Mon Aug 17 11:55:15 UTC 2020
Score 7 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 0
Body link
Just realised this is from my country. There was another case a at the start of this year involving a 14 day old baby where the state intervened to ensure the baby got the necessary, life saving, blood transfusion. I just hope the child get adequate care from their parents.
It's sad to see life that could so easily be saved, be wasted.
Here's another case from the country, involving a baby with Hydrocephalus and her father adamantly refusing help if it would involve blood transfusions.
--- --- Notes
Author blueslounger
Posted On Mon Aug 17 14:31:25 UTC 2020
Score 5 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 2
Body link
I have a close friend with a JW mom who chose to die rather than have a transfusion. She was relatively healthy otherwise. She left behind several young grandchildren. I'm amazed the belief was so strong in her that she chose not to watch her granchildren grow up.
--- --- Notes
Author KaramQa
Posted On Mon Aug 17 07:02:14 UTC 2020
Score 13 as of Wed Aug 19 04:38:50 UTC 2020
Conversation Size 1
Body link
Are you a JW? Do you think blood transfusions are wrong ?
submitted by jw_mentions to jw_mentions [link] [comments]


2020.08.13 20:34 TheDemonUnderThaBed M h m-

  1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to Kain.
  2. Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.
  3. No longer allowed to challenge Able to unwinnable games like tic-tac-toe. It was three weeks before Able conceded a draw.
  4. SCP-018 is not to be taunted!
  5. Giving 113 to Diogenes is just plain pointless.
  6. Attempting to disprove 343, to 343, is a horrible idea. Agents are still studying the resulting paperweight, supposedly so heavy that 343 should not be able to lift it.
  7. While it is true that "No one expects the SCP Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
  8. Dr. Bright is not king of anywhere. Or queen.
  9. SCP-963 is not to be used for recreational or procreational purposes.
  10. Although it is entirely possible to use SCPs currently under control of the Foundation to create tentacle monsters, no.
  11. Not even if Dr. Palmer asks nicely.
  12. There is no market for SCP brand pornography.
  13. No, not even in Germany.
  14. Should not replace the buckshot in Dr. Clef's shotgun shells with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or glitter.
  15. The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for dealing with containment failures from horrible eldritch artifacts sold by Marshall, Carter, and Dark.
  16. Victims of SCP-217 are not toys.
  17. Nor are they to be used as props at a Steampunk Convention.
  18. Dr. Bright is not allowed to bargain with personnel for their "souls."Not even if he can get them a good deal.
  19. Don't let Dr. Bright get a sample of SCP-379. Let my laptop be the last victim.
  20. Not allowed to go off my medication.
  21. May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse.
  22. Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays.
  23. No matter how many times you say please, Dr. Bright, we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.
  24. If an SCP file says never to do something, it is not because we want to control your mind. Yes it is.
  25. No, it's not, and Dr. Bright may not edit this document.
  26. SCP-437 is not to be handed out as weaponry to unsuspecting new researchers.
  27. [DATA REDACTED ON O5 REQUEST]. Not even for recreational use.
  28. Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of the Broken God.
  29. Not allowed to lead a Mobile Task Force against the UIU under any circumstances. without inviting Dr. Clef at all. In fact, just stay 500 feet away from any Mobile Task Force at all times.
  30. Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
  31. But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance.
  32. The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until he gets lessons for the foreseeable future.
  33. Dr. Bright is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance Festival.
  34. Especially not with D-class in garb.
  35. SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer.
  36. If a mind-controlling SCP is discovered, it is to be turned over to the proper authorities. It is not to be used to advance himself or others higher in the Foundation. Kondraki
  37. Dr. Bright is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, a member of Site Command, made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of SCP Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Dr. Bright IS a member of Site Command. It's usually best not to ask why. It's O5 Command you're thinking of.)
  38. There is no Ethics Committee.
  39. And even if there was, does anyone believe Dr. Bright would be on it?
  40. As anything other than a 'What not to do?'
  41. No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning calisthenics.
  42. Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song.
  43. Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963 to any major political figures. Again.
  44. Dr. Bright is not from an alternate timeline.
  45. Dr. Bright cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline".
  46. Or to "corrupt the timeline".
  47. Or to "screw with those history nerds".
  48. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel, and then give them SCP-572.
  49. Dr. Bright is not allowed near SCP-5555-J in any way or any excuse. Remember what the miniature version did to Dr. L██████.
  50. Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator.
  51. Dr. Kondraki does not count as a responsible administrator.
  52. Nor does Agent Strelnikov.
  53. Or Dr. Mann.
  54. In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period.
  55. Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.
  56. Nor is 'More Chainsaws'.
  57. Or "Chainsaw cannons"
    1. Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome.
  58. SCP speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event should report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnesiac.
  59. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any SCP to alter or affect the outcomes of any reality based television shows, including but not limited to Survivor, Big Brother, Hell's Kitchen, American Idol, or any dating show on VH1.
  60. Not even if Dr. Rights asks nicely.
  61. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer spankings to Dr. Rights as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken.
  62. No, it doesn't matter that they are both "consenting adults", no matter how much either of them argue otherwise.
  63. Dr. Rights is not allowed to spank the monkey.
  64. Nor is she allowed to shock the monkey.
  65. Or anything else related to the monkey.
  66. SCP-082 is not to be given song requests, especially not "Like A Virgin".
  67. "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment.
  68. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 1,000 babies" in the presence of any SCP personnel.
  69. Nothing in the Foundation is rated 'Over 9000.'
  70. Stop posting classified information on 4-chan.
  71. No using SCP-705 for personal gain.
  72. Or to plant monitoring equipment.
  73. And absolutely no giving them tons of extra Play-Doh 'just to see what they can make.' That Mecha was damned annoying!
  74. If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right.
  75. If it involves something right, you did it wrong.
  76. If Dr. Bright has to ask, it's above his clearance level.
  77. If it's above Bright's security clearance… run.
  78. Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
  79. Foundation credit cards or expense accounts are not to be used to purchase pornography.
  80. Not even anomalous pornography.
  81. Dr. Bright is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents.
  82. Dr. Bright is not the Lord of Rodly Might.
  83. And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and Dragons making use of SCPs to 'simulate the real danger.'
  84. Dr. Bright is not allowed to go to fan conventions.
  85. Let alone use them as recruitment drives.
  86. Especially not at Furry Conventions.
  87. When writing a report, more detail is expected than "Object class: Keter. Special Containment Procedures: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Description: [DATA EXPUNGED]."
  88. And inventing new security clearances just so nobody can see what you've written is also considered poor form.
  89. Showing Monty Python episodes to SCP-239 was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping SCP.
  90. "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
  91. "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse.
  92. Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the implications.
  93. Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically become D-class personnel.
  94. Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.
  95. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send e-mails with memetic hazards attached.
  96. Not even when replying to spam.
  97. The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds to pit more than fifteen combative SCPs, including SCP-682 and Able, against each other.
  98. "Weeding out some of these angsty teens with attitude problems," however, is.
  99. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs.'
  100. Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J.
  101. Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J Not allowed to play any type of ball game with SCP-2558-J.
  102. Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is straight out denied.
  103. Instances of SCP-2558-J-Ex are not to be spooked when being held by members of O5. No instances of SCP-2558-J should be anywhere near an O5, let alone SCP-2558-J-Ex.
  104. The Foundation motto is "Secure, Contain, Protect", not any of the following:
  105. "Stab Carrion Powerfully"
  106. "Let's use it on 682!"
  107. "Throw the cheese!"
  108. "That's it, you're on Keter Duty."
  109. "Can we put it in 914?"
  110. "Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!"
  111. "Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!"
  112. "Someone is getting stabbed."
    1. But some days, it should be.
  113. "Whose hand is that?"
  114. "If all else fails, poop on it."
  115. "If all else fails, there's always the sun."
  116. "We need bigger kittens."
  117. "Society of Creepy Perverts."
  118. "Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got Clef, Gears, Kondraki and Bright."
  119. "Throw D-Class at it until it stops."
  120. "447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that taste great together."
  121. "The FBI are a bunch of pansies."
  122. "Who wants to see what I can make the president do in public?"
  123. "For the Horde!"
  124. "Science for the Science God!"
  125. "Make sure to wipe your feet on 2558!"
  126. "When in doubt, feed it to 682."
  127. "Slapstick, Clowns and Puns"
  128. "Drop the blanket now!"
  129. "Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy"
  130. "We always need more Dakka!"
  131. "Still Alive, and Found the Cake"
  132. "Don't Worry, O5 won't ever figure it out!"
  133. "Will it blend?"
  134. "Commies love us!"
  135. "Snap Crackle and Pop"
  136. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath Chicken" with the medical staff.
  137. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
  138. Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time."
  139. Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.
  140. Despite his doctoral degree, Dr. Bright is not allowed to either prescribe or administer any of the following:
  141. enemas
  142. homeopathic remedies
  143. any sort of medication
  144. free hugs
  145. the healing power of laughter
  146. sexual healing
  147. 'more cowbell'
  148. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.
  149. Or "Get bigger guns."
  150. Despite what he may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say, he is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor."
  151. Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting.
  152. And despite what the computer file on him may say, he is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without him.
  153. The "Tamlin House School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" is just a plain bad idea.
  154. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions.
  155. If Dr. Bright is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, he must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm.
  156. If Dr. Bright is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay?
  157. Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them.
  158. Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard.
  159. Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service.
  160. Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.
  161. I see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be associated with Star Trek.
  162. No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Dr. Bright is not a ninja, nor has he ever been.
  163. No. Not even if he uses SCP-281 to do it.
  164. There are no security codes for:
  165. Zombie conga line
  166. Badass hat
  167. Vampire can-can
  168. Disco corpse
  169. Intense homoeroticism
  170. Extreme crotch violence
  171. Man disguised as a palm tree
  172. Man with porn 'stache
  173. Kung fu rasta
  174. Puppy-eating monks
  175. Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers.
  176. Bright Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze outside your door.)
  177. Dr. Kondraki beach party.
  178. Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he is the Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses.
  179. No, SCP-963 is not proof against this.
  180. Nor is any structure that results from placing SCP-184 inside of a police call box.
  181. Adopting female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out.
  182. SCP-297 is NOT a sonic screwdriver.
  183. The Doctor who?
  184. While humour can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mum" jokes in the vicinity of SCP-597.
  185. Dr. Bright may not classify any researcher, including himself, as a memetic hazard.
  186. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
  187. Your soul
  188. Anyone else's soul
  189. Virgin's blood
  190. Reproductive organs
  191. SCPs
  192. Memories (real or imagined)
  193. Pieces of your past I have no idea how that worked with Clef, but apparently he can do it.
  194. The island of Manhattan
  195. Beads
  196. Firstborn children
  197. Second-born children
  198. Red-headed stepchildren
  199. Rented mules
  200. Gold spun from straw
submitted by TheDemonUnderThaBed to u/TheDemonUnderThaBed [link] [comments]


2020.08.09 01:00 Whomstventlld The things Neptune is not allowed to do in ANY VERSION of Gamindustri (Part 1)

  1. Neptune is not allowed to feed anything with eggplant to IF.
  2. Telling new adventurers that you can tame an ancient dragon with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.
  3. No longer allowed to challenge Histoire to unwinnable games like tic-tac-toe. It was three days before Histoire conceded a draw.
  4. Plutia is not to be taunted!
  5. Giving jelly-based products to dogoos is just plain pointless.
  6. Attempting to disprove Kurome, to Kurome, is a horrible idea. The Anomalous Objects Department is still studying the resulting cube, supposedly only Uzume is not able to lift.
  7. While it is true that "No one expects the Planeptune Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
  8. Umio is not currently king of anywhere. Or queen.
  9. Crushed Sharicite is not to be used for recreational or procreational purposes. Please do not crush it.
  10. Although it is entirely possible to use Shares currently under control of Planeptune to create tentacle monsters, no. —1. Not even if Plutia asks nicely.
  11. There is no market for dogoo brand pornography. —1. No, not even in Leanbox.
  12. Should not replace the buckshot in IF’s shotgun shells with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or glitter.
  13. Arfoire’s farm is not the correct agency for dealing with Share losses from horrible eldritch artifacts sold by MAGES
  14. Victims of Plutia are not toys. —1. Nor are they to be used as examples at any ████-related gathering.
  15. Neptune is not allowed to bargain with people for their "souls." Not even if she can get them a good deal.
  16. Don't let Neptune get a sample of [REDACTED BY AOD]. Let my laptop be the last victim.
  17. Not allowed to go off my medication.
  18. May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse.
  19. Change the Basilicom guards’ dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. —1. No matter how many times you say please, Neptune, we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the guards’ dress code.
  20. If a rule says never to do something, it is not because we want to control your mind. Yes it is. —1. No, it's not, and Neptune may not edit this document.
  21. Thermite Pudding is not to be handed out as weaponry to unsuspecting new soldiers. Or to be used at all. Or made.
  22. Plutia’s [DATA REDACTED ON ORACLE REQUEST]. Not even for recreational use.
  23. Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Deity of Sin.
  24. Not allowed to lead a military campaign against Lowee under any circumstances. without inviting Uni at all. In fact, just stay 500 feet away from any military unit at all times without Histoire’s permission.
  25. Not allowed to end national broadcasts with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". —1. But is allowed to end with lyrics from the National Anthem. —2. The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until she gets lessons for the foreseeable future, as it does not yet exist and likely never will.
  26. Neptune is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance Festival. —1. Especially not with Noire in garb.
  27. NONE of your weapons are anyone’s sex toys.
  28. If a mind-controlling object is discovered, it is to be turned over to the Anomalous Objects Department. It is not to be used to advance herself or others higher in any other governments.
  29. Neptune is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new Basilicom staff, a doctor of psychology, a military commander, made out of bacon, in possession of a ‘dumb high’ IQ of 189, Head of National Meme Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Neptune IS CPU thus a military commander and Head of Public Relations. It's usually best not to ask why.
  30. There is no Ethics Committee. —1. And even if there was, does anyone believe Neptune would be on it? —2. As anything other than a 'What not to do?'
  31. No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning calisthenics. —1. Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song.
  32. Neptune is not allowed to apply anomalous effects to any other CPUs. Again.
  33. Neptune is not from an alternate timeline. —1. Neptune cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline". —2. Or to "corrupt the timeline". —3. Or to "screw with those history nerds".
  34. Neptune is not allowed to challenge any CPU to a duel, and then give them a weapon containing an Anticrystal(s).
  35. Neptune is not allowed near Anticrystals in any way or any excuse. Remember what just a small one did to Rei.
  36. Neptune and her dimension-traveling self are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator. —1. Croire does not count as a responsible administrator. —2. Nor does Uzume. —3. Or Plutia. —4. In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period.
  37. Chainsaws are not the solution to every question. —1. Nor is 'More Chainsaws'. —2. Or "Chainsaw cannons" ——1. Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome.
  38. Monster speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event should report to the 34th floor of the Planeptune Basilicom for administration of Blanc and Compa’s hammer-based memory treatment.
  39. Neptune is not allowed to use or do anything to alter or affect the outcomes of any reality based television shows, including but not limited to Survivor, Big Brother, Hell's Kitchen, American Idol, or any dating show on VH1. —1. Not even if Nepgear asks nicely.
  40. Neptune is not allowed to administer ‘Plutie Spankings’ to IF as punishment, as it causes permanent mental damage. —1. No, it doesn't matter that they are both "consenting adults", no matter how much either of them argue otherwise. —2. It is good enough that IF can joke about consenting to that now, let’s not ruin her again. —3. There is no way IF actually enjoys that now. What did she say? No, that’s not possible. —4. Neptune must now each day reflect on what she has done to IF. We still cannot believe she of all people enjoys that shit. (How many times did it take for her to even just not get traumatized?)
  41. 5pb is not to be given song requests by you, especially not "Like A Virgin".
  42. ‘Accidentally’ spilling substances that happen to resemble Vert’s experimental humanoid body growth compounds on a dogoo in the presence of everyone was funny exactly once, and the smell of urine exuding from Noire's panties spoiled the moment.
  43. Neptune is no longer allowed to look traumatized and utter the phrase “It’s for the greater good right?” in the presence of anyone with knowledge of Nepgear’s actions in past timelines.
  44. Nothing in the Anomalous Objects Department is rated 'Over 9000.'
  45. Stop posting classified information on 4-chan. —1. Or Nepgear’s non-consenting pantie shots —2. Or your own pantie shots
  46. No using small monsters for personal gain. —1. Or to plant monitoring equipment in Noire’s room. ——1. I don’t care that they are fake or that you don’t have romantic feelings for her, let’s not remind her of Anonydeath.
  47. If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right.
  48. If it involves something right, you did it wrong.
  49. If Neptune has to ask, she should not know. —1. If Neptune should not know… run.
  50. Despite being CPU, Neptune is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person on her own.
  51. The national treasury or officials’ credit cards are not to be used to purchase pornography. —1. Not even for other peoples’ pornography.
  52. Neptune is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to herself as such. Especially on official documents.
  53. Neptune is not the Lord of Rodly Might. —1. And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and Dragons making use of real monsters to 'simulate the real danger.'
  54. Neptune is not allowed to go to fan conventions alone. —1. Let alone use them as recruitment drives. —2. Especially not at Furry Conventions.
  55. When writing a report on anything, more detail is expected than "Ask Histoire” —1. And inventing new security clearances just so nobody can see what you've written is also considered poor form.
  56. Showing Hell’s Kitchen episodes to Blanc was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other potentially dangerous people.
  57. "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision. You are the CPU.
  58. "My evil twin did it" was never considered a viable excuse. —1. This applies to anyone but Uzume.
  59. Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically become a threat to national security.
  60. Not allowed to lace muffins with Ex-lax. Again.
  61. Neptune is not allowed to send e-mails with computer-igniting amounts of share energy attached as a png. —1. How did you even do that?
  62. The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds to pit more than fifteen powerful monsters, including ancient dragons and Iris Heart, against each other. —1. "Weeding out some of these angsty teens with attitude problems," however, is. —2. Neptune is in fact allowed to administer 'Free Hugs.' Not from these monsters.
  63. Not allowed to kick a dogoo for no reason. —1. Not allowed to play dodgeball with a dogoo. Not allowed to play any type of ball game with a dogoo.
  64. Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is straight out denied.
  65. Monsters are not to be spooked when being held by IF. No monsters should be anywhere near IF for no reason, let alone eggplant-based ones.
  66. Planeptune’s motto is currently undetermined, and is not going to be any of the following: —1. "Punch Arfoire Hard" —2. "Let's use it in our food!" —3. "Throw the cheese!" —4. "That's it, you're on Dogoo Duty." —5. "Can we put it in a bike?" —6. "Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!" —7. "Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!" —8. "Someone is getting stabbed." ——1. But some days, it should be. —9. "Whose hand is that?" —10. "If all else fails, poop on it." —11. "If all else fails, there's always the south ledge." —12. "We need bigger kittens." —13. "Society of Legendary Perverts." —14. "Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got Nep, Blanny, P-ko and Ploot." —15. "Throw knives at it until it stops." —16. "Pudding and sis’ panties, two great tastes that taste great together." —17. "Leanbox is just a bunch of pansies." —18. "Who wants to see what I can make Nepgear do in public?" —19. "For the Horde!" —20. "Science for the Science God!" —21. "Make sure to wipe your feet!" —22. "When in doubt, feed it to Copypaste." —23. "Slapstick, Clowns and Puns" —24. "Drop the blanket now!" —25. "Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy" —26. "We always need more robot!" —27. "Still Alive, and Found the Cake" —28. "Don't Worry, Histy won't ever figure it out!" —29. "Will it blend?" —30. "Commies love us!" —31. "Snap Crackle and Pop"
  67. Neptune is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath Chicken" with Compa.
  68. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
  69. Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "ran out in record time."
  70. Attempts to use Planteptune radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.
  71. Despite her doctoral degree, Compa is not allowed to be convinced by you to either prescribe or administer any of the following: —1. enemas —2. homeopathic remedies —3. any sort of medication —4. free hugs ——1. This applies only if there is something actually wrong with the patient other than being in a bad mood. —5. the healing power of laughter —6. sexual healing —7. 'more cowbell'
  72. Neptune is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem. —1. Or "Get bigger guns." —2. This applies to you as well Uni.
  73. Despite what she may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, Planeptune has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Neptune may say, she is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor." —1. Nor is she a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting. —2. And despite what the computer file on her may say, she is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without her.
  74. The "IF School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" is just a plain bad idea.
  75. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions.
  76. If Neptune is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, she must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm. —1. If Neptune is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, she is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay?
  77. Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even proven to exist, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them.
  78. Neptune is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard. —1. Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service.
  79. Neptune cannot change the standard issue prison uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt. —1. I see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be associated with Star Trek.
  80. No matter how many times she may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Neptune is not a ninja, nor has she ever been. —1. No. Not even if she uses magic to do it.
  81. There are no security codes for: —1. Zombie conga line —2. Badass hat —3. Vampire can-can —4. Disco corpse —5. Intense homoeroticism —6. High-Impact Sexual Violence —7. Man disguised as a palm tree —8. Man with porn 'stache —9. Kung fu rasta —10. Puppy-eating monks —11. Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers. —12. Multi-Dimensional Nep reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze and pudding outside your door.) —13. Linda beach party.
  82. Just because Compa is a doctor does not mean that she is the Doctor, no matter how British she can make herself sound. —1. No, memory of past timelines is not proof against this. —2. Nor is any structure that results from placing a pocket dimension inside of a police call box. —3. Adopting female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out. —4. That syringe is NOT a sonic screwdriver. —5. The Doctor who?
  83. While humour can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mum" jokes in any serious discussion.
  84. Neptune may not classify anyone, including herself, as a memetic hazard.
  85. Neptune is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets: —1. Your soul —2. Anyone else's soul —3. Virgin's blood —4. Reproductive organs —5. Anomalies —6. Memories (real or imagined) —7. Pieces of your past I have no idea how that worked with Nepgear, but apparently she can do it. —8. R18 island —9. Beads —10. Firstborn children —11. Second-born children —12. Red-headed stepchildren —13. Rented mules —14. Gold spun from straw —15. A child's laughter —16. A child's tears —17. Virginity —18. Ponies —19. Anyone's grandmother —20. Anyone's grandfather —21. Anyone's sister —22. Any blood relative
  86. No matter how many times she photoshops herself into a picture of a bunch of dead alligators, and no matter how many Australians worship her, Neptune is not, and never was, the "King of Australia". —1. Nor does every CPU "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum." ——1. And she is not allowed to do that "Right naow!"
  87. As funny as Incident SecBreach-LS was, Neptune is not allowed unsupervised access to recovered files. Researchers are still trying to figure out how animate pictures of Noire were so powerful, despite only being holograms.
  88. Neptune is not allowed to tell new researchers experimenting on Computer-Based anomalies to divide by zero, find the square root of negative one, or find the last digit of pi. Dr. ██████ is still comatose, and the anomalies themselves are quite displeased with the event.
  89. Neptune is not allowed to use examples from Star Trek when administering Turing tests to artificial intelligences of any sort. Computer hardware does not grow on trees, dammit!
  90. Neptune is not allowed to plant ████ into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking. —1. No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE" —2. Or even as "Science for the Science God". Neptune is also not allowed to refer to herself as such either.
  91. Neptune is not allowed to re-enact the locker scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with Zero Dimension citizens. —1. Nor is she allowed to set herself up as a god to them. They have Uzume. —2. Testing between Dark CPUs and Peashy is also banned. "David and Goliath" scenarios are just as harmful to those people as the Godzilla incident. —3. Neptune is not allowed to grow herself, then use them to simulate "Dwarf Fortress".
  92. Neptune is not allowed to show Nepgya any of the following: —1. any Uwe Boll movies —2. The Room —3. Troll 2 —4. Manos: The Hands of Fate —5. movies considered "so bad they're good" —6. movies considered "cult classics" —7. you know what, Neptune is just not allowed to show Nepgya any movies at all, ever.
  93. Neptune is not allowed to claim anything has "Breached Containment" and then leave a dining fork in the hallway.
  94. Neptune is not Best Heart. No such person exists at this time.
  95. Neptune is not allowed to give IF a copy of any Harry Potter books. —1. What did you do?
  96. Neptune is not allowed to give people parking tickets.
  97. Neptune is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions.
  98. Neptune is not allowed to accuse people of being duplicates of herself with the intention of having them terminated, unless they actually are duplicates of herself. —1. Adult Neptune is not allowed to convince people Neptune is a copy of her.
  99. Neptune may not put "A cup of orgasm" into a smoke grenade. —1. Neptune may not create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television. —2. Neptune is not permitted to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise. —3. Given the results of creating a cup of "Dear God No", Neptune is no longer allowed to use anomalous liquids directly or outside of approved testing. —4. Given that she asked another staff member to make a "Cup of Explodium" to "see what would happen", Neptune is not allowed to ask other staff members to make things for her, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is ordinary meals.
  100. Neptune is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off on, bets concerning XK-class End-of-the-World Scenarios.
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2020.07.27 17:28 pahohi1327JJul Is There a F-ree Christian Da-ting Si-te ?

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2020.07.27 17:26 pahohi1327JJul When Should a Christian Start Da-ting ?

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2020.07.27 13:22 adopt27JJul What Should Christian Da-ting Look Like ?

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2020.07.27 13:13 blind27JJul What is the Number One Da-ting A-pp ?

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2020.07.27 12:05 elvis27JJul Bum-ble Da-ting A-pp

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2020.07.23 04:14 EtherealHire It's A Twofer Kinda Night

Guess who's back. Back again.
Yeah, it's me. I felt like fucking with something again, so here goes. What follows is a short primer and a slightly modified version of the existing netsec page. I'd like to think about folding it into a general persec page, including netsec, though of course this isn't necessary. There are tools that I, not a sysadmin nor particular expert, view to be outdated here, and I have proposed cuts and swaps.
I am also by no means an expert on computer security, so have left most of the tools on the page intact and changed very little on that front. I know what works for me, but without sitting around paying a pentester to try to wreck my shit I don't actually know how effective it is. If you are an expert, I could certainly use some help here. Note also that this is a start, a work in progress, and ideally I'd like to expand into a general security section, perhaps splitting off to various pages in their own right.
Let's get after it, comrades.

What is Persec?

Persec is short for personal security. In communities that practice security or do intelligence, or both, most things are shortened into such portmanteaus, and it's useful to learn them. Persec regards guarding your personal information (ie, who you are, where you're from, what you did...) from anyone who doesn't need to know. To what degree you do this is entirely your prerogative.

Why should I care about security at all?

Well, you are presumably a leftist, and may or may not be aware, but the US Government as well as other groups and orgs do not have a good history with regard to treatment of leftists or marginalized people. See Fred Hampton, or the FBI smear campaign against MLK, for two immediate examples. In addition to that, you don't send your bank info to the Nigerian Prince emailing you, do you? Same thing; you're just consciously aware of that threat.

So What Kind of Information Should I Guard?

All of it. If it is not intrinsically necessary for what you are doing, do not give the information. This is nuanced. Perhaps your date is asking about the neighborhood you live in. This isn't necessary, but you will weigh the risks vs the benefits of talking about it and/or seeming rude or overly paranoid for not talking about it.
In addition, you should be aware that you give away a lot automatically on a regular basis. Facial recognition software nails you everywhere you walk around, and a constant stream of selfies into any social media will be sold to people who will use them to help augment the success rate of that software. See Facebook auto finding faces and auto tagging your friends for you? Maybe it seems innocuous there, but who are they selling it to?
Unlock your phone with your face or fingerprint? Law enforcement has that data, almost guaranteed.
Fill out a fun survey? Dope, thanks for the street you grew up on in that nostalgia question. Nice, Greenwood Elementary as a school, and oh wow Ms. Applebaum was your favorite teacher? No way, my first pet was a Jack Russel named Roger too! Boy oh boy do I love that song by 3OH!3 too, just like it's your favorite! Maybe not all of those were there, but you may be throwing common security question answers all over the place. You are also giving this stuff to innumerable third parties via cookies and other other means, allowing them to store and sell that data in turn. You do it when you give your email for that retail store rewards program too. Every purchase, logged, used to target you with ads or services.

What Do I Do?

Well, you could move into the Alaskan wilderness, grow a long beard, and rough it in a primitive frontier cabin. That'd minimize your profile and data footprint for sure.
You could also ignore this. Give up anything and everything.
But likely you will pick something between those two points. There are two ways to do it while still being online: hiding and obfuscating.
Hiding would be using anonymizing services like Tor or a VPN, blocking Javascript using NoScript, giving up Facebook, etc.
Obfuscating would be pretending to be that which you are not, hiding in plain sight. Changing everything to appear that you're on a Thinkpad running Linux instead of a Chromebook by shown software/hardware signatures and MAC address, choosing an IP address in a techie Bay Area district, and using a fake photo from thispersondoesnotexist.com to complete the persona. There are more steps necessary there but that will help with non state-level data collection and analysis.
Regardless which method or methods you choose, you must also remain who you actually are, and publicly so. Maybe you got rid of Facebook because that's just the smart thing to do, but if you've got a Twitter habit, keep it and don't cross the streams. Never log into your Twitter from the spoofed persona, nor should your fake persona ever inhabit the same session (or even hardware) to your real persona. This is easiest done with a live boot disc like TAILS on a hunk-a-junk craigslist laptop you buy in cash.

This seems complicated.

It is. Security culture, in the world and online, is a constantly evolving thing, and takes keeping tabs on and learning about, and a lot of dry reading and head pounding.
There are a few overall resources that can help.
The Free Software Foundation
The Electronic Frontier Foundation
Richard Stallman
The GNU Project

Tools

This is a list of tools and tips to keep data secure. The information presented is currently aimed at Windows users but includes information relating to data security for Linux, Mac, and mobile users. As you spend time learning about privacy, privacy tools, and security, you will start learning what works and why, but this is a general jump-off point. Also, note that Windows 10 contains a frankly ridiculous amount of phone-home capability, and is selling you out every second you use it. Make the switch to a user-friendly Linux distro and your privacy will thank you. linux4noobs
For other opsec information, please see our Communications section on this page. To discuss the information here or make suggestions, please see the talk page.
A brief note on these tools: Comodo Security Solutions is a private firm offering some of these products. In the digital world, a for-profit enterprise exists to make money on a product. If you are not paying for a product from a for-profit venture, then you are the product. Additionally, a Wikipedia skim shows how full of shit they are. I've left them in this post because they previously existed there but strongly disagree with continuing to leave them up, so am striking all of them.

E-mail

Encryption

  • PGP - Usually used to encrypt e-mails, but also encrypts physical data on your hard drive.
  • OpenVPN - VPN software using SSL/TLS for key exchanges.
  • Bitvise - An SSH client for Windows users.
  • TCPcrypt - A protocol that attempts to encrypt (almost) all of your network traffic.
  • VeraCrypt - Comprehensive, on-the-fly disk encryption.
  • Protected Folder - Not encryption software, but allows you to password protect folders and files. Protected folders are invisible unless PF is opened and they are unlocked with the password.

Firewalls

Browsers

Browser extensions, Add-ons, etc.

  • HTTPS Everywhere - Forces all website connections to be HTTPS. Developed by the Electronic Frontier Foundation.
  • AdBlock
  • Adblock for YouTube
  • Ublock Origin
  • NoScript - "Pre-emptively blocks malicious scripts and allows JavaScript, Java and other potentially dangerous content only from sites you trust."
  • Safescript - The Chrome equivalent of NoScript
  • Ghostery
  • DuckDuckGo - "The search engine that doesn't track you. A superior search experience with smarter answers, less clutter and real privacy."

Additional Information

DNS

Virtual Machines

IRC

iPhone

See this page on our wiki for information specific to iPhone users.

Other Resources

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2020.06.29 23:09 fractalfay 635. See How Good Your English Is: Recap of Happily Ever After S05E03

Welcome to another tender episode of Happily Ever After, starring a six week-old kitten someone handed me in a grocery store parking lot as “questionable decisions,” and all of us at home as people grateful for Paul’s service.
Paul is leaving Brazil with Karine, who will be missed terribly by her family, while Paul’s family hopes he lost that underwear with his home address written on the waistband. When they finally reach the airport, Paul tells the flight attendant he’s That Guy, and is about to make baggage loading as difficult as possible. She suggests he just take the garbage out of his suitcase and keep what he actually needs, but Paul says then he would have nothing left.
Once they land, Mother Paul reminds us that she’s wearing a chastity belt to keep Paul from trying to crawl back inside her. The last time he camped out in the family home she kept stepping on his legos and he lost his keys in the mailbox, and the neighbors got all weird when he covered the windows in tinfoil. Still, she agrees to pick him up at the airport, and 90DF queues up the circus music as Paul pulls luggage off the conveyer belt and starts clown-car-ing it onto a single tiny cart. Paul earns that 90DF paycheck, which should be six figures. His first attempt at a luggage stack fails, and his mom narrates the tower’s fall with the baby in her arms, and swears she’s not going to drop this baby, by God. Then Paul builds his tower again, and this time makes it a few feet before it falls on its side, taking the cart with it. This is like Lord of the Rings with exclusively endings and wizards that refuse to return.
They head towards the mom-supported hotel in Louisville, with Paul snorting a line of Kalani and soiling his Joan Crawford diaper along the way. Pierre starts fussing, and Karine removes him from the car seat to shove a titty in his mouth. Mother Paul tries to gently coax a return to the car seat with a reminder they’re almost there, but it’s too late, as Paul’s record skips over and over on a demand that the kid be returned to the car seat, and he’s talking about Pierre. Mother Paul then tells Paul he’s annoying and an idiot, while Paul runs into traffic because he can’t find a jungle. Mom says that this is why she can’t live with Paul, and Karine wonders if she’s tried living elsewhere in her mind.
Finally at the hotel, Paul has cooled down, and pushes the massive cart towards their hotel room. “We’re in room 635. Let’s see how good your English is,” Paul maths. Karine decides not to tell him about numbers in Brazil. And speaking of math, that first geometry lesson was for naught, because now he can’t get the cart through the hotel room door. So he chucks bag after bag of stuffed animals, survival gear, and pork rinds into the room, while Karine holds Pierre up to the window to point out where freedom is hiding.
Colt is having a definitely-not-rehearsed conversation with Jess, who also isn’t acting, definitely. She just happens to suggest the possibility of a K1 on a show called 90 Day Fiancé. Colt and Jess are still recovering from Jess’ attempt at a prison break the night before, and Colt is concerned he might have used up the power of his patronizing expression. As they plod along, Jess asks if he’d go to Brazil with her to horrify her family, and Colt says of course, he’d love a vacation on 90DF’s dime. Jess says she loves Colt, except for the Colt-like parts of his personality. Colt also wishes for a different Jess, but with the same holes. Once they agree that upgrades would improve the current models, there’s a whimsical clodhopping dance by a fountain, to underscore Colt’s carefree nature, in case you weren’t convinced by his ultimatums about going out on a Saturday night. Later, Jess goes out with her friends, who are Brazilian girls in case you forgot, and they can’t believe this shit. Probably because it isn’t true.
Larissa is filming a makeup tutorial on leaving the house with seven shades of blended spackel for a date with a blind man. She’s eager to return to dating, but says she doesn’t like to meet people online, because they all pretend to like hiking and tacos, and what they really mean is walking around the block before ordering Taco Bell through DoorDash. The man she meets, Matt Overkill, is SO not-an-actor, but rather a stately gentleman of refined taste who finds blind dates becoming to his pallor. He’s been studying the I Am So Elegant Woo Book of Manly, and has the gift bag and card to prove it. Matt says she’s beautiful and exactly what he’s been shopping for. After adjusting his ascot and capping his Grey Poupon, he asks Larissa if she’s passionate about philanthropy. Larissa asks WTF is that, and Syngin says it’s a band from South Africa, while Libby insists it’s living with Andrei.
Matt declares himself part Egyptian, which is no place in Oklahoma I’ve ever heard of, and Larissa asks him to weigh in on the race controversies surrounding ancient Egypt, but he misunderstands and thinks she said something about three domestic violence arrests. She admits she used to be married to someone with a funny name, and after a struggle she finally says it’s Colt, as in 45, and is that the booze wrapped up in this tissue paper? Her arrest history is shocking to him, because with white collar crimes they just ask you to come down to the police station with your lawyer and then apologize for wasting your time. Matt asks her what values she looks for in a man, and she laughs and says citizenship, because it’s true. This is upsetting to a man with that haircut, looking for a soulmate who is “put together” in a way he deems acceptable.
Later Larissa admits she couldn’t afford to pay that actor twice, so instead she has an orgasm during cosmetic surgery, which is on brand. She tells the lady with the torture tools that Colt has a new Brazilian and the same fucking red shirt. Princess electrode asks if Larissa is jealous, and Larissa says no, she’s just fighting for a storyline.
Deep inside Father Libby’s pocket, Andrei calls his parents in a lame attempt to convince us that this wedding Libby lost weight for was totally unplanned and spontaneous. Libby’s passive aggression uncorks the minute Andrei starts making plans without her, which is odd following a confession that they already got plane tickets, which most folks would see as a sign of being aware of travel dates. Libby doesn’t want to stay with Andrei’s family, because she’s going there to bond with her own, and is hoping he’ll do the same, so his buzz will be sufficiently killed. They agree to have a rotten time with his family for three days, before Andrei has a rotten time with hers, and friends, I give you marriage.
Libby then assembles her clatch of Karens for gown shopping. The hapless salesperson asks where Libby intends to get married, and after Libby answers “Moldova” one of the sisters says, “No one knows where that is,” in a biting indictment of the US education system. Libby tells her that since this is last minute they need to buy something off the rack, which inspires the salesgirl to ask if she wants to return the tailored one, before Libby’s wink is properly decoded. After a couple of attempts, she is blown away by a “modest” gown with a see through back and titties with each nipple on the eject button. Mother Libby provides the obligatory “my daughter is an American” statement, while sister Libby sits sulking, and says that this is the dream wedding Libby wanted, with the right dress and the right time of year, and also it is so last minute but still exactly right. One of her sisters then starts crying about how Libby’s husband is standing in the way of Libby’s wedding. Let that one sink in for a minute.
Syngin’s servitude of Tania has escalated to literally carrying her on his back. She still has that pesky foot and knee injury, and just needs help picking out her clothes, taking a shower, getting to the kitchen, and sitting down. Other people might consider getting one of those leg scooters or a wheelchair, but that’s WAY too simple of an idea for this team. Once Tania remembers she has crutches, she goes to the doctor to learn about her foot’s progress. The doctor says this was a crush injury, which is more difficult to repair, and she’s going to be off her feet for about 12 weeks, which stands to derail her next herbal Costa Rica trip, and the goals and direction she totally has.
Then it’s job interview time, and Syngin heads to an Irish pub to discuss his history working at bars that don’t serve cocktails or Guinness. Instead of pouring drinks he pours his heart out, since this is the first time someone has listened to him uninterrupted since his plane landed. The bar owner says he understands Syngin needs a psychologist, but he’s just looking for someone who understands the chemistry of pouring a beer, so if the cameras could turn away he’ll go ahead and stuff that resume into the shredder. He tells Syngin he can drink that badly poured beer, and so Syngin adds a shot and another beer and asks how long he can sit there before he has to go home.
Once Syngin returns, Tania’s injury has turned from a 12 week recovery to indefinite, with arthritis waiting in the wings. She is filing for disability in her mind, while Syngin senses a future of carrying Tania from room to room in CT, and wishes he had gone for that second shot. Tania reminds us that she drinks a lot, especially in Costa Rica when Syngin calls, but this isn’t about her. And really, she just wants to be vulnerable about how much this injury sucks without a booze-rippled rant about having to work and not break chairs.
Kalani has one kid on her tit, and one tit with a kid. She picks the bigger tit up from a rough day of free sampling, and they decide to go get food. Asuelu orders avocado toast, which for some reason baffles Kalani, but she has no questions about the heavy cream mocha he orders, as he declares that coffee in the US of A is like dessert. As a resident of the PacNW, it is my sacred duty to tell him to put that sugary beverage right the fuck down and apologize for calling it coffee.
Ever the family man, Asuelu wants to blow off a measles outbreak for a trip to Samoa, where his family is eager to ask for money in person. Kalani doesn’t know about laying down $3K for travel and $700 for hand sanitizer, so she obsessively bleaches her life, which might have seemed like overkill during filming, but now seems like an excellent choice. The doctor arrives and says that the littlest sprout has sprung enough to handle the vaccine, which is 93% effective against the disease, but it’s still a good idea to avoid direct exposure. Asuelu insists that they have two kids, so they have a spare, so what’s the problem. Kalani is nervous because Oliver had a bad reaction the measles vaccine, and she’s breaking out in hives at the prospect of toting two tots across the world with a man who can’t hold a fucking door open. Asuelu suggests that maybe they shouldn’t take advice from someone who calls herself a doctor while still boasting a lady name, and Kalani says that women can be doctors too, but Asuelu can’t handle that mind explosion when he’s still trying to puzzle out the complexities of socks on tiny feet.
Angela is also in this episode, just to do again what she’s already done in other episodes: ask Skyla to come to her Nigerian wedding. When Angela fails to convince Skyla to abandon her granny, six children, and job, she solicits support from Michael, who struggles to find an argument that convinces Skyla while being utterly bankrupt of logic. Beyond this, Angela goes to her lawyer to see about a will being drawn up so her grandkids receive 50% of her estate if she dies post-marriage. She doesn’t want to cut out Michael all together, but she also doesn’t want him to get everything. The lawyer looks up the status of their K1 application, and sees that it has moved up the chain further than Angela knew. The lawyer says the K1 could be approved in 30-45 days, so maybe she should slow down this trip and the demands that six underage humans and an ailing mother fend for themselves.
Next week, Colt asks Debbie if she’d be open to a throuple, Larissa calls Jess because that’s what the script suggests, Andrei explains that Libby’s family is proud to be American and he’s proud to spend their money, Michael’s sister expresses concern that Angela is delusional about her womb’s storage capabilities, Asuelu declares the child-raising he can’t be bothered to participate in “easy” before he tantrums out of the house, and this kitten bites my elbow and hand through the entire recapping process.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! Patreon.com/fractalfay
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2020.06.29 23:08 fractalfay 635. See How Good Your English Is: Recap of Happily Ever After S05E03

Welcome to another tender episode of Happily Ever After, starring a six week-old kitten someone handed me in a grocery store parking lot as “questionable decisions,” and all of us at home as people grateful for Paul’s service.
Paul is leaving Brazil with Karine, who will be missed terribly by her family, while Paul’s family hopes he lost that underwear with his home address written on the waistband. When they finally reach the airport, Paul tells the flight attendant he’s That Guy, and is about to make baggage loading as difficult as possible. She suggests he just take the garbage out of his suitcase and keep what he actually needs, but Paul says then he would have nothing left.
Once they land, Mother Paul reminds us that she’s wearing a chastity belt to keep Paul from trying to crawl back inside her. The last time he camped out in the family home she kept stepping on his legos and he lost his keys in the mailbox, and the neighbors got all weird when he covered the windows in tinfoil. Still, she agrees to pick him up at the airport, and 90DF queues up the circus music as Paul pulls luggage off the conveyer belt and starts clown-car-ing it onto a single tiny cart. Paul earns that 90DF paycheck, which should be six figures. His first attempt at a luggage stack fails, and his mom narrates the tower’s fall with the baby in her arms, and swears she’s not going to drop this baby, by God. Then Paul builds his tower again, and this time makes it a few feet before it falls on its side, taking the cart with it. This is like Lord of the Rings with exclusively endings and wizards that refuse to return.
They head towards the mom-supported hotel in Louisville, with Paul snorting a line of Kalani and soiling his Joan Crawford diaper along the way. Pierre starts fussing, and Karine removes him from the car seat to shove a titty in his mouth. Mother Paul tries to gently coax a return to the car seat with a reminder they’re almost there, but it’s too late, as Paul’s record skips over and over on a demand that the kid be returned to the car seat, and he’s talking about Pierre. Mother Paul then tells Paul he’s annoying and an idiot, while Paul runs into traffic because he can’t find a jungle. Mom says that this is why she can’t live with Paul, and Karine wonders if she’s tried living elsewhere in her mind.
Finally at the hotel, Paul has cooled down, and pushes the massive cart towards their hotel room. “635. See how good your English is,” Paul maths. Karine decides not to tell him about numbers in Brazil. And speaking of math, that first geometry lesson was for naught, because now he can’t get the cart through the hotel room door. So he chucks bag after bag of stuffed animals, survival gear, and pork rinds into the room, while Karine holds Pierre up to the window to point out where freedom is hiding.
Colt is having a definitely-not-rehearsed conversation with Jess, who also isn’t acting, definitely. She just happens to suggest the possibility of a K1 on a show called 90 Day Fiancé. Colt and Jess are still recovering from Jess’ attempt at a prison break the night before, and Colt is concerned he might have used up the power of his patronizing expression. As they plod along, Jess asks if he’d go to Brazil with her to horrify her family, and Colt says of course, he’d love a vacation on 90DF’s dime. Jess says she loves Colt, except for the Colt-like parts of his personality. Colt also wishes for a different Jess, but with the same holes. Once they agree that upgrades would improve the current models, there’s a whimsical clodhopping dance by a fountain, to underscore Colt’s carefree nature, in case you weren’t convinced by his ultimatums about going out on a Saturday night. Later, Jess goes out with her friends, who are Brazilian girls in case you forgot, and they can’t believe this shit. Probably because it isn’t true.
Larissa is filming a makeup tutorial on leaving the house with seven shades of blended spackel for a date with a blind man. She’s eager to return to dating, but says she doesn’t like to meet people online, because they all pretend to like hiking and tacos, and what they really mean is walking around the block before ordering Taco Bell through DoorDash. The man she meets, Matt Overkill, is SO not-an-actor, but rather a stately gentleman of refined taste who finds blind dates becoming to his pallor. He’s been studying the I Am So Elegant Woo Book of Manly, and has the gift bag and card to prove it. Matt says she’s beautiful and exactly what he’s been shopping for. After adjusting his ascot and capping his Grey Poupon, he asks Larissa if she’s passionate about philanthropy. Larissa asks WTF is that, and Syngin says it’s a band from South Africa, while Libby insists it’s living with Andrei.
Matt declares himself part Egyptian, which is no place in Oklahoma I’ve ever heard of, and Larissa asks him to weigh in on the race controversies surrounding ancient Egypt, but he misunderstands and thinks she said something about three domestic violence arrests. She admits she used to be married to someone with a funny name, and after a struggle she finally says it’s Colt, as in 45, and is that the booze wrapped up in this tissue paper? Her arrest history is shocking to him, because with white collar crimes they just ask you to come down to the police station with your lawyer and then apologize for wasting your time. Matt asks her what values she looks for in a man, and she laughs and says citizenship, because it’s true. This is upsetting to a man with that haircut, looking for a soulmate who is “put together” in a way he deems acceptable.
Later Larissa admits she couldn’t afford to pay that actor twice, so instead she has an orgasm during cosmetic surgery, which is on brand. She tells the lady with the torture tools that Colt has a new Brazilian and the same fucking red shirt. Princess electrode asks if Larissa is jealous, and Larissa says no, she’s just fighting for a storyline.
Deep inside Father Libby’s pocket, Andrei calls his parents in a lame attempt to convince us that this wedding Libby lost weight for was totally unplanned and spontaneous. Libby’s passive aggression uncorks the minute Andrei starts making plans without her, which is odd following a confession that they already got plane tickets, which most folks would see as a sign of being aware of travel dates. Libby doesn’t want to stay with Andrei’s family, because she’s going there to bond with her own, and is hoping he’ll do the same, so his buzz will be sufficiently killed. They agree to have a rotten time with his family for three days, before Andrei has a rotten time with hers, and friends, I give you marriage.
Libby then assembles her clatch of Karens for gown shopping. The hapless salesperson asks where Libby intends to get married, and after Libby answers “Moldova” one of the sisters says, “No one knows where that is,” in a biting indictment of the US education system. Libby tells her that since this is last minute they need to buy something off the rack, which inspires the salesgirl to ask if she wants to return the tailored one, before Libby’s wink is properly decoded. After a couple of attempts, she is blown away by a “modest” gown with a see through back and titties with each nipple on the eject button. Mother Libby provides the obligatory “my daughter is an American” statement, while sister Libby sits sulking, and says that this is the dream wedding Libby wanted, with the right dress and the right time of year, and also it is so last minute but still exactly right. One of her sisters then starts crying about how Libby’s husband is standing in the way of Libby’s wedding. Let that one sink in for a minute.
Syngin’s servitude of Tania has escalated to literally carrying her on his back. She still has that pesky foot and knee injury, and just needs help picking out her clothes, taking a shower, getting to the kitchen, and sitting down. Other people might consider getting one of those leg scooters or a wheelchair, but that’s WAY too simple of an idea for this team. Once Tania remembers she has crutches, she goes to the doctor to learn about her foot’s progress. The doctor says this was a crush injury, which is more difficult to repair, and she’s going to be off her feet for about 12 weeks, which stands to derail her next herbal Costa Rica trip, and the goals and direction she totally has.
Then it’s job interview time, and Syngin heads to an Irish pub to discuss his history working at bars that don’t serve cocktails or Guinness. Instead of pouring drinks he pours his heart out, since this is the first time someone has listened to him uninterrupted since his plane landed. The bar owner says he understands Syngin needs a psychologist, but he’s just looking for someone who understands the chemistry of pouring a beer, so if the cameras could turn away he’ll go ahead and stuff that resume into the shredder. He tells Syngin he can drink that badly poured beer, and so Syngin adds a shot and another beer and asks how long he can sit there before he has to go home.
Once Syngin returns, Tania’s injury has turned from a 12 week recovery to indefinite, with arthritis waiting in the wings. She is filing for disability in her mind, while Syngin senses a future of carrying Tania from room to room in CT, and wishes he had gone for that second shot. Tania reminds us that she drinks a lot, especially in Costa Rica when Syngin calls, but this isn’t about her. And really, she just wants to be vulnerable about how much this injury sucks without a booze-rippled rant about having to work and not break chairs.
Kalani has one kid on her tit, and one tit with a kid. She picks the bigger tit up from a rough day of free sampling, and they decide to go get food. Asuelu orders avocado toast, which for some reason baffles Kalani, but she has no questions about the heavy cream mocha he orders, as he declares that coffee in the US of A is like dessert. As a resident of the PacNW, it is my sacred duty to tell him to put that sugary beverage right the fuck down and apologize for calling it coffee.
Ever the family man, Asuelu wants to blow off a measles outbreak for a trip to Samoa, where his family is eager to ask for money in person. Kalani doesn’t know about laying down $3K for travel and $700 for hand sanitizer, so she obsessively bleaches her life, which might have seemed like overkill during filming, but now seems like an excellent choice. The doctor arrives and says that the littlest sprout has sprung enough to handle the vaccine, which is 93% effective against the disease, but it’s still a good idea to avoid direct exposure. Asuelu insists that they have two kids, so they have a spare, so what’s the problem. Kalani is nervous because Oliver had a bad reaction the measles vaccine, and she’s breaking out in hives at the prospect of toting two tots across the world with a man who can’t hold a fucking door open. Asuelu suggests that maybe they shouldn’t take advice from someone who calls herself a doctor while still boasting a lady name, and Kalani says that women can be doctors too, but Asuelu can’t handle that mind explosion when he’s still trying to puzzle out the complexities of socks on tiny feet.
Angela is also in this episode, just to do again what she’s already done in other episodes: ask Skyla to come to her Nigerian wedding. When Angela fails to convince Skyla to abandon her granny, six children, and job, she solicits support from Michael, who struggles to find an argument that convinces Skyla while being utterly bankrupt of logic. Beyond this, Angela goes to her lawyer to see about a will being drawn up so her grandkids receive 50% of her estate if she dies post-marriage. She doesn’t want to cut out Michael all together, but she also doesn’t want him to get everything. The lawyer looks up the status of their K1 application, and sees that it has moved up the chain further than Angela knew. The lawyer says the K1 could be approved in 30-45 days, so maybe she should slow down this trip and the demands that six underage humans and an ailing mother fend for themselves.
Next week, Colt asks Debbie if she’d be open to a throuple, Larissa calls Jess because that’s what the script suggests, Andrei explains that Libby’s family is proud to be American and he’s proud to spend their money, Michael’s sister expresses concern that Angela is delusional about her womb’s storage capabilities, Asuelu declares the child-raising he can’t be bothered to participate in “easy” before he tantrums out of the house, and this kitten bites my elbow and hand through the entire recapping process.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! Patreon.com/fractalfay
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2020.06.28 19:46 SleepingHollows [Milestone] Corruption in the smallest of places; in the biggest of ways

It takes a big man to see his faults. In Nigeria, no bigger man exists that the bureaucratic chaos of the government civil service. For far too long the civil service has been a wage black hole, rife with nepotism and under-the-table deals. Every year the Nigerian government budget is put under scrutiny by the public for its creative, and corrupt, accounting. Repeated entries such as "renovation bills" or "Finger food", billed well beyond their real costs, have long since been areas where accountants and their "clients" have been able to silently embezzle millions of Naira.
Thanks, in part, to these listings making it into the media once again, the EFCC has decided to turn some of their attention to the litany of issue facing the civil service in Nigeria. Early published data by independent research suggests that the civil service has two main issues: Wages paid to workers who don't have a real role (who are involved in financial crimes themselves) and wages embezzled by senior staff through "clever" accounting. Independent research also highlights that while the latter problem might be easier to solve with a hard crackdown, EFCC will need a different angle of attack to tackle the former.
The issue lies in managing unemployment. The civil service employs a disproportionate number of staff in comparison to its need; many of which use this as an opportunity to game the system. Although seemingly a small part of the corruption issue, this can account for millions of dollars in lost revenue every year. The problem is further exasperated by how inefficient certain aspects of the civil service is; a product of some operational theory dating as far back as the 70s. Firing hundreds upon hundreds of civil servants who may not be skilled enough to return to the job pool would create an unemployment ripple that could harm the economy; many pension age workers also feel the need to continue working as the Nigerian pension system, managed by the same civil service, is notorious for delays and incomplete payments.
So, the EFCC must once again apply their method of "fighting corruption by re-skilling the workforce". Surely some elements must be completely remove and the most corrupt servants arrested and put through the prison systems. Others must be made to pay back the millions of Naira that they effectively stole from the Nigerian government. The majority, however, would not be able to make ends meet if they lost their jobs right now.
EFCC will work to identify individuals with skills and proficiency for learning certain skills. In conjunction with private companies who work with them, a focus will be placed on monitoring and reeducation; a massive amount of the civil servant workforce will be diverted to this programme as an alternative to jail time or unemployment. The programmes will offer them a chance to learn a practical or professional skill and find employment in one of the many industries in the country that are currently emerging and looking for skilled individuals.
As for higher profile cases, the EFCC will continue its work with internal security agencies to launch raids and investigations against these individuals. Some whom wield a considerable amount of local power. Those individuals who have dependants are of greatest concern as their dependants will present a different issue if not properly handled. The long term strategy will be a focus on ensure that the most corrupt elements are removed, in conjunction with modernising civil service code and practice. In doing so, greater transparency in the government civil sector will help the team spot and counter financial crimes in the sector much more easily.
[Post 6 of 12 for corruption milestone]
M: Brain hurty but i think i got the main point across.
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2020.06.26 09:45 throwaway6468465647 When Karen and a sheltered religious upbringing come together for the perfect storm

This is my story in my own words 10+ years ago in form of a statement made to our local divorce court, with identifying information (redacted) and [edits to support clarity], plus XX for the day of the month.
My statement is a response to Karen’s libelous statement of me being a drug user and claiming I was molesting my own daughters. The judge admitted to never having read my statement, meaning that for almost 11 years, it has been sitting in some file cabinet at a courthouse in the US. It is a readily accessible public record if you know where to look. I think it’s time the world sees this. Why? Because I’m tired of being afraid, of being paranoid. Of thinking that the unknown person hitting me up online might be my ex in disguise (she did that). Or of thinking that I am not chatting with my daughter but with this narcissistic control freak of an ex-wife (I’m pretty sure she did that, too). I just want my side to be heard. Warning, it is very long (almost 7000 words), but full of bitter memories and Karen behavior. And yes, she had “the” haircut, more often than not demanded to speak to a manager, and she took the kids. She was a Karen before it was a thing. So much that for the longest time I thought the term “Karen” was based on her. I retyped this, to be able to copy and paste it. The original and the evidence is in my possession. It begins with a foreword explaining my reasoning for writing this at the time.
Here we go:
Despite the fact that (State) only has “no fault” as the guiding principle for dissolutions of marriage, Karen chose to make statements about me in her declaration that may influence the court in its decision making process concerning in particular the dissolution of the marriage between Karen and myself. This said, while the grounds for divorce should not be of any interest to the court, since Karen chose to make the statements she did, I will make my own as well, to show the court that I am not the person Karen portrays me to be, but a responsible man, who always gave his best for his family, putting Karen’s and our children’s needs before his own. These statements will also show that Karen will not accept responsibility for her own faults and actions, but would rather portray (herself) to be the victim, and go to any means necessary to defend this position, despite evidence to the contrary. They will also show that Karen has a careless attitude towards financial matters, is unable to provide a stable home for (our children), and has serious mental as well as physical health issues, which in the past have made her unable to care for our children, and potentially may do so in future.
The following is a chronological timeline of events concerning my relationship with Karen to show her manipulative, deceptive, passive-aggressive behavior towards me as well as her mental illness in general. I request the court to subpoena Karen’s mental health and medical records from (various hospitals) and any and all primary care physicians and specialists she has seen since we were engaged, in order to substantiate some of the following claims:
June 1994: Karen and I meet in (Europe). As my family has done in the past with other American visitors, I take Karen on a week-long tour of Europe. During this time Karen makes at least one inappropriate sexual advance on me, at my aunt’s apartment in (European town) [she snuck into my room at night, crawled into bed next to me and I woke up with her hand fondling my privates – I did not object to it as I was in sort of a shock and just froze, and it was the first time any girl had ever shown that sort of interest in me; I grew up in a very conservative religious family, knew that I was gay by 13 years of age but had just been through “conversion therapy”. In retrospect, I honestly thought I had been “healed” as my privates showed a “reaction”]. About one week later, before she leaves, she asks if we could have a long-distance relationship. I accept.
September 1995: Karen returns to (Europe) as our long-distance relationship has not done so well. She gives me an ultimatum to either continue it, or to call it off. To show my commitment, my response is that I ask her to marry me and we are engaged. [I literally panicked – during the year the “evil homosexual thoughts” had come up again, and I thought that this was “the Lord’s way out”. Mind you, I did inform her prior to the marriage that I have had those feelings and had been to therapy. She knew.]
December 1995: I fly to (the USA) to visit Karen and her parents. During this time we had consensual extramarital relations. We were planning to get married both legally and ecclesiastically in (Europe) in May 1996.
January 1996: Karen advises me that she is allegedly pregnant with multiples. She had also become unemployed. The decision is made for her to come to (Europe) sooner. Before her move, she calls me again to advise me that she had lost both pregnancies. While Karen has an extensive medical history, I have not seen evidence that she was ever pregnant during this time. At a later time she confesses that it was a test of my integrity and intentions towards her and I had “passed”. She also tells me that she had tested former boyfriends of her in a similar fashion during high school, and at one point went so far as to show a newborn baby which belonged to (a friend of hers) to one of her boyfriends, claiming it was theirs. Karen was babysitting for (her friend) at the time and claims to have done this with her consent. [If you are wondering why I did not jump ship at this point: we were already engaged and I was too chicken. I wanted to save face. Because “even Joseph stood by Mary when she got pregnant with Jesus”. – Plus I still thought this was “the Lord’s way for me out of homosexuality”.]
February 1996: Karen moves to (Europe). We begin the process of obtaining a marriage license.
April XX, 1996: We are legally married in (my hometown in Europe), obtain her (European) residence permit and move to (my place of residence at the time in Europe) shortly afterwards, as I am studying at the (local university) to become a translator. I am in my second year.
May XX, 1996: We return to my parents’ home in (my hometown) and get married at my home church in nearby (city).
Summer of 1996: While out of college for the summer, I work at (a fast food place in a nearby European city). We obtain Karen’s work permit but she is unable to find work. She claims that she has been clinically depressed since the age of 14. While I did not notice this until this point, she becomes more and more discontent, homesick, and depressed during this time. She threatens to divorce me and move back to (the US). She also threatens to commit suicide. The first occurrence was during one night, when she goes to a nearby dead arm of (a major river) to drown herself. I find her there in her nightgown after searching for her for about an hour. She states later that suicide is a “security blanket” for her.
During the same time she tells me about her involvement in occult practices as a teenager, and that she is still “demon possessed”. One night she plays out a “demonic” fight within herself, growls in low voices and attacks me physically. Being the religious person I was at the time [protestant evangelical Christian] I fully believe her and pray over her in tears. Eventually she “passes out” and a few minutes later returns, but not as herself, but allegedly as the archangel Michael, telling me that Karen needs me now more than ever and to not let go of her. Eventually, she falls asleep to wake up a little while later, this time as herself, supposedly not remembering anything.
Towards the end of the summer, her mother asks what keeps us in (Europe), and our response is my tuition-free higher education. However, we make the decision, for Karen’s sake, to move to the United States.
October 1996: We fly to (the US), and I enter the United States on the Visa Waiver program available for certain countries, with the intent to return within 90 days as required by law, if the situation would not work out here. Karen signs up with temp agencies. We live in Karen’s bedroom at her parents’ house (in her hometown).
November 1996: We decide to stay in (the US) and so we start the adjustment of status process with the Immigration and Naturalization Service. I receive a temporary work permit and start working for (an employer) as a cook and van driver.
February 1997: I am admitted as a conditional permanent resident. Sometime during this time, Karen begins to work for (her employer) at first a full 40 hours week, later reduced to part-time 25 hours per week, as she allegedly cannot handle full-time work.
During this time I recall one incident of her disappearing. I contact (hometown) Police to file a missing persons report, including her description as well as a description of her vehicle, a 1988 Oldsmobile. She later returns in somewhat of a confused and dazed state, explaining that all she wanted to do was go to the mall to buy a dust ruffle (but she did not return with one.) Her brother is present for most of this.
During another incident at this time, she threatens to commit vehicular suicide with her Oldsmobile and drove down (nearby suburban interstate highways) at a high rate of speed, exceeding 80 miles per hour. I try to keep up with her in my 1985 Nissan, but my vehicle is not powerful enough, and so I lose sight of her. I did not contact the police.
May 1997: I begin work for (my main employer). I am still working for them today [this statement is from December 2009].
Summer of 1997: We move into the apartment (in her hometown).
January 1998: I begin a second job at (a car rental company near my main job).
November 1998: I resign from the second job at (the car rental company) and begin to work another second job for (a school bus company) as a substitute school bus driver, and work there until June 2005.
The second jobs were worked in part because I worked swing shifts at my primary job at the time and wanted to do something constructive with my afternoons, and in part because of medical and other debt, such as her medical and mental health issues and pharmaceutical needs, as well as expenses for reproductive endocrinology. During this time, we trade my 1985 Nissan for a 1992 VW which Karen gets, and I take over the Oldsmobile.
1999: We wanted to have children early on, but due to confirmed infertility issues on my part (which make the January 1996 pregnancy implausible) we were unable to conceive on our own. Because Karen would not focus on anything besides getting pregnant, to the point of being obsessed with it, and (berating) me for the inability to produce children, the divorce and suicide threats continue. Eventually I reneged and suggested using a sperm bank to help her achieve her goal of a pregnancy. [Before that, she asked me to ask my brother to be a donor, as “that’s biblical”.] During this year, we trade the 1988 Olds for a 1995 VW.
September 2000: Our first daughter is born. We had made the decision for Karen to be a stay-at-home mom before we got married. [She grew up with both parents working and did not like it, and childcare would have eaten her part-time wages.] She had lost her hob with (her employer) a few months prior. On top of her clinical depression, she develops postpartum depression. She starts to sleep a lot and thus neglect her household and parenting duties. She spends weekends in bed until noon some days, leaving care of (daughter 1) virtually entirely up to me. This weekend pattern continues for the remainder of our marriage.
May 2001: We fly to Germany to visit my family. We sell the 1992 VW.
July 2001: We rent the home of Karen’s parents at (her hometown) from her parents, as they want to be full-time RV’ers. They gift us a 1988 Ford, which I drive. Karen gets the 1995 VW.
February 2002: Karen and (daughter 1) are involved in a motor-vehicle accident (at an intersection near hometown). Both Karen and (daughter 1) are injured, but not properly treated at (the local) Hospital. While she is not cited for the accident, the police report indicates failure to yield to oncoming traffic. Karen is convinced of her innocence in the accident and goes so far as to hire a private investigator who essentially confirms what the police report said all along. Karen also sues the opposing driver but loses, as he was not found at fault. Both Karen and I believe that (daughter 1)’s disabilities stem from this accident, but it was never proven, as neither was the closed brain injury Karen claims (daughter 1) has [she also jumped on the anti-vaxx bandwagon thinking they might be responsible as well]. Karen and I consulted with an attorney and it was decided that I, on (daughter 1)’s behalf, would sue Karen and the other driver, as she essentially was an innocent bystander to the accident. The attorney eventually dropped the case as there was not sufficient evidence to link (daughter 1)’s disability to the accident.
Karen receives physical therapy due to pain associated with the car accident, which the auto insurance company eventually discontinues, after an independent panel decides it is no longer necessary. We purchase a 1996 Chrysler to replace the 1995 VW.
September 2002: We move to an apartment complex in (her hometown) as Karen’s parents decide to sell their home. We find and purchase our home (in a nearby, cheaper, less affluent town) for $162,000.
November 2002: We move to our home in (our new hometown). (Daugher 1) is enrolled at (a special needs center) to help her with her disabilities. Shortly after we move in, Karen confronts a neighbor about their use of their own property for the storage of disabled vehicles. It comes to a verbal altercation between one neighbor and me trying to defend Karen, even though she has no right to demand they move the vehicles. She begins a neighborhood watch programs for our street with the goal of “cleaning up the neighborhood” in order to turn it into something resembling (her more affluent hometown). The neighbors show little interest.
Early 2003: Karen loses the feeling in her legs, and they give out underneath her as she is standing at the changing table. We take her to the hospital, where she is told that it’s all in her head and psychosomatic. I am close to running out of paid time off at work, and nobody in Karen’s family is willing or able to help, so I call my parents, and my mother is on the next plane to help with the household, so I can return to work. Karen speaks some (of my native language), but (daughter 1) does not, since the accident in 2002 [we had raised her bilingual from the get-go, but she lost all speech with the accident; doctors advised us to concentrate only on one language afterwards]. Karen is eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
Late 2003: We refinance our home in (our new hometown) for $185,000 in order to pay off medical debts, credit cards, and the car loan for the 1996 Chrysler.
May/June 2004: We fly to (Europe) for two weeks [on my father's dime] to visit my family on the occasion of my father’s (round) birthday. Because Karen and my mother do not get along well, we agree beforehand that if the situation escalates, we would stay with a distant cousin of hers in (a nearby town). Karen provokes an incident where it comes to an escalation between her and my mother, and we move forward as agreed. For the remainder of the visit, she refuses to associate with my family.
June 2004: We resume assisted reproductive treatment with some of the sperm samples we have left. The pregnancy is classified as high-risk, due to rhesus-factor incompatibility between Karen and the sperm donor, resulting in weekly trips to (medical center at the other end of the metro area) to see a specialist in order to check on the progress of the pregnancy.
December 2004: At my company’s annual Christmas party, Karen approaches my manager to discuss my rate of pay and working hours. He politely but firmly rebukes her, saying that this is neither the time nor the place to be discussing this, and to contact him at the office during business hours. I am mortified, but he understands.
April 2005: Our second daughter is born. As my paid-time-off account is still very low, my manager arranges to set me up at home so I can work at least part-time from there. Karen once again is diagnosed with postpartum depression and receives medication and treatment. (Daughter 2) is also very sick and requires continued monitoring due to neutropenia.
June 2005: Due to the long commute from (the former hometown) for only a part-time second job, I transfer branches within (the school bus company) from (the old branch) to (another branch near our house).
August/September 2005: I receive my commission as Notary Public.
December 2005: We take out a $20,000 home equity line of credit to consolidate debt, pay off medical bills, and purchase a used 1992 Buick for $3,000 to replace the ailing 1988 Ford. We also purchase [at Karen’s request] a new Bosch washedryer set for approx. $2,500, as well as a Miele vacuum she “had to have” for $1,200, and new kitchen appliances for $3,000. We each also allocate $1,000 for “personal uses.” Karen decides to buy a Starbucks gift card for that amount.
January XX, 2006: Karen, during a phone conversation with her psychiatrist, makes a threat against her own life and is picked up by a Sheriff’s deputy, who takes her to (a local hospital). This has a tremendous effect on (our daughters) as well as myself. Eventually, the children do not want to visit their mother in the hospital any more.
January XX, 2006 [about 10 days later]: Karen is released from the psychiatric ward.
February X, 2006: I return to work at (my company).
February X, 2006 [1 day later]: Karen calls me at work, saying the kids were “driving her nuts,” that “she spanked them,” and that she “put them in their rooms.” She would lay down as she “could not deal with it anymore,” and hung up on me. One hour later she calls back, saying she “gave me enough time to get my ass home” and that this shows her “how much I really cared for the children and her.” She would be “out the door to an unspecified location” and would not “bother me ever again.”
I leave work, and dial 911 on the way home. I arrive at home just as the Sheriff pulls up. Since she did not make a threat against her or the children, they could not detain her. However, since (daughter 2) still had neutropenia, it could be potentially life-threatening for her. The Sheriff puts Karen and the children on a missing persons list.
At around 5 pm that day, I locate her at her sister’s apartment (on the other side of the metro area, about 1 h away). I call the police to let them know, and (the local) police check up in them to make sure they were all ok. I then drive (over there) to bring them home.
February/March 2006: Karen begins or continues psychotherapy and counseling. Also, due to a change in work schedule at my primary employer, as well as the need to take care of my family, I resign from (the school bus company) and start my own side business as a mobile Notary Public.
April 2006: Karen is diagnosed with sleep apnea, is given a CPAP machine, but most of the time does not use it. It is our ten year legal anniversary, and I surprise her with concert tickets to Celtic Woman in (further away major US city) as well as a getaway at (a resort town) for May.
May 2006: We celebrate our 10th anniversary. Karen is upset as “all she got” was the concert tickets and a getaway. She wanted a diamond ring [couldn’t afford it due to her medical debt].
June 2006: Karen is issued a sample of (a famous patch involved in a class-action lawsuit) for hormone control reasons.
July 4, 2006: Our children and I visit Karen’s parents for Independence Day. Karen refuses to come along. Later on we get a call from the hospital. She had overdosed on pain killers. After 36 hours in the emergency room she is transferred to the psychiatric ward. She later admits that she wanted to kill herself on a major holiday, so that I as well as our families would always remember.
She was to be released but was also diagnosed with pancreatitis and later on with a pulmonary embolism and deep-vein thrombosis, so they keep her in the hospital. [By now we both had steadily gained weight, with both of us being around 300 lbs].
July XX, 2006: My mother flies in from (Europe) to once again help with the household, as referenced in Karen’s declaration. It was not that I had to “selfishly” return back to work, but that once again, my paid-time-off account was near zero, due to having to take off so much time in order to care for my family. We had no support from Karen’s family, so this was the only available option at the time.
At this point, I am emotionally and physically drained from the events of the last six months. Despite my wife’s negative attitude towards my parents, she has no qualms about asking them for financial support when needed. Also, I have come to the conclusion, that if Karen threatens me with divorce again, she needs to follow through with it, as I cannot deal with this sword hanging over my head any more. Her threats stop for a while.
July XX, 2006: Karen is released from the hospital.
December 2006: In order to pay our mounting medical debt from Karen’s hospitalization this year, we increase our home equity line of credit by almost another $20,000. The notes on the house now total approx. $225,000. I buy her the diamond ring she complained about not receiving for our anniversary for approx. $1,500. We also remodel our home and install a 42” plasma TV and surround sound system for approx. $2,000.
February 2007: The three year prepayment penalty on our first mortgage expired in December 2006, and so, because of dwindling revenue from my notary business, we decide to refinance again in order to consolidate our first and second mortgages into one. During this time, Karen also began an in-home business selling clothes on eBay. The business never came to fruition. The 1996 Chrysler breaks down and is replaced by a 2005 Chrysler.
May 2007: Karen creates an online profile on Yahoo personals, advertising herself as a single mother living in (our hometown). She also chats and exchanges explicit pictures with a gentleman of Nigerian descent living in London, England. She wants to fly him to the United States. She also has been in touch with women who conceived their children with the same sperm donor and packs up her car one day while I am at work to move to (one of the southwestern US desert states) where a “friend” she has only known online resides. She gets as far as (the next state over) where she visits a mutual friend, and, due to the heat, decides to turn around back home.
June 2007: Karen starts working for (a famous internet giant). Despite her health problems, she “wants to live a little” and begins to drink alcohol and smoke.
November 2007: According to Karen, I am no longer fulfilling her sexual needs (I have no desire to do so at this point [we’re both upwards of 300 lbs at this point and the thought alone is “unpleasant”]). I also confide in her that the homosexual feelings I have been working to suppress for all these years [so much for ex-gay success stories] have resurfaced, but I do not want to destroy the marriage and so I’m asking for her support, and would seek counseling, thinking honesty is the best way to address this issue. Within one week, she has announced to her family and friends that I am gay.
We agree to an open marriage. We interview [at her insistence] some of her potential “candidates” together. Later, I leave the house while she engages with them, at one point two in one night, as the first one did not “measure up.”
I find a gentleman friend and admittedly have a relationship beyond a mere friendship with him. At Karen’s request, I call it off a month later and ask her to stop seeing other gentlemen as well. I also ask her to submit herself to STD tests before we resume relations, which she never did.
We go through marital counseling through our church off and on over the years, but every time we go, Karen monopolizes the counselor’s time with a litany of all the things I do wrong. I rarely get a chance to get a word in or share my version of events.
May 2008: We purchase a new travel trailer in order to spend more time together as a family. While we own it, we only take it out a few times, and those times, Karen sleeps away in the trailer, while I spend time with the children.
December 2008: Karen has been on medical leave for several weeks and receives notice that she has been terminated from (the famous internet giant) as part of a downsizing effort. Until then, she has received several warnings about her absenteeism; however, she was not terminated because of this. As part of her severance, she remains on the payroll until February 2009, and, if she has not found new work by then, she would receive an additional two months of pay as well as two months of COBRA coverage, until April 2009.
January 2009: The 2005 Chrysler is beginning to show problems, and Karen is dead set on buying a (almost new) Chrysler SUV despite her soon being unemployed. We are financed but need a down payment of $2,400, which we borrow from my father, with the promise that Karen would pay it back once her severance payment comes in. During this time, Karen purchases a Maltese-Yorkshire terrier mix sight unseen from a pet shop (2500 miles away). Rather than shipping it, I offer to drive (there) and pick it up, as the cost would be the same, and I would be able to do one of my favorite activities (which she despises): road trips. In the end, she asks to come along, and I agree.
February 2009: Karen receives her final paycheck and files for unemployment.
March 2009: Karen receives her severance pay, approximately $3,300 after taxes. She pays a $400 medical bill and spends the remainder within ten days, on frivolous things, without paying back the loan we received from my father. She also briefly finds work with a company, but is laid off again within a week, thus having to restart her claim.
April 2009: We file our 2008 tax return, and due to the fact that we both for the first time in our marriage worked full time, find that we withheld too few taxes and owe $1,500 to the US Treasury and $2,700 to the state.
During this time, Karen insists I see a psychiatrist as I allegedly display symptoms of manic depression, for which there is a history in my family. I have dealt with bouts of depression and anger since the January 2006 incidents, but have never raised a hand against Karen, which is not the case the other way around [it’s not just men who commit domestic violence]. I also got angry at times, especially when she recklessly spends money on unnecessary items. I see (a doctor) at his (local) office. He does not believe I have manic depression, but rather post-traumatic stress disorder caused in part by my upbringing, but also due to my marriage to Karen.
May 2009: For our 13th anniversary, we take our travel trailer to (a romantic place under the stars).
June X, 2009: Karen announces that she “had enough,” as I am not changing the way she would want me to, and has decided to move out. She is looking at apartments in the (internet and tech) area, as she hopes to find work with the high-tech industry there. At this point, I am at my wits end, as far as saving our marriage goes and simply give in, offering to pay her rent as a means of voluntary child support, but make it clear to her that I would not be able to afford the house as well as an apartment on our current budget, and that we would have to let the house go. She agrees to this, as she “never liked (less affluent town than her hometown)” anyway. She starts looking in the $600-650 range, then goes higher and higher, as “for only this amount more, she can get that much more.” I finally tell her that I will pay $800 a month, and she would have to cover the rest herself.
June X, 2009 [1 day later]: On this Friday, Karen has made plans to visit a male friend in (new place where she wants to live). I am kept back at work beyond my usual time, and receive a call from Karen. She yells that I need to get home so she could go out, otherwise she would drop of the girls at work. I tell her I have no choice in this, due to mandatory overtime. I told her I would let her know as soon as I am close to getting done, and to drop the kids off at my workplace on her way to (the new place). Around 4 pm, I send her a message to tell her “to be on her way,” as it would take her about 20 minutes to get to my workplace. By 4:30 pm she has not shown up, and so I call her, asking where she is. (She is already halfway to the place where she would meet this guy.) I asked if the children were with her, and she replies no. I get upset, and she asks me what she should do. I tell her to turn around. I advise my manager of the situation and leave immediately. We make it to our home about the same time, at approximately 5 pm, finding the children watching TV. She had left our children completely unattended for an hour.
Mid June 2009: Since I would be without a social network before long, I decide I need to find new friends. I have been losing weight since April 2009, starting at 325 lbs, and by mid-June have reached 295 lbs. I have been receiving advice from my brother in (Europe) who has a degree (in sports sciences). He recommends I seek local help or a workout buddy. I find (personal trainer) on craigslist, looking for a workout buddy and advertising his personal training services in the platonic male for male section. I set up an appointment and we begin a workout regimen several times a week. Karen is incorrect in citing my personal trainer as the reason for her moving out, as I did not even meet (personal trainer) until after she had already made the decision to move out.
By June XX, 2009 [mid-month]: Karen finds an apartment in (new place). We have to come up with more than $2,000 for her to move in. I cannot pay June’s mortgage payment. I also pay for the moving truck.
June XX, 2009 [end of month]: Karen moves out of the family home to (her new place). As I cannot afford (PT) as a personal trainer, I offer him a room in the family home in lieu of payment for his services. He helps me move Karen as well, as none of her friends would help her. The only other people that show up at her apartment to unload the moving truck are some people from Karen’s church. I move (the personal trainer) into my home the same day, as I had already rented the moving van. My plans are to purchase a motor home or travel trailer to live in once the house is foreclosed in the bankruptcy-
Early July, 2009: Karen calls to ask when we could start dating again. I am flabbergasted at the notion.
July 4, 2009: I spend the afternoon with Karen and the children at her apartment complex. In the evening, I celebrate at home with (personal trainer) and my neighbors, who indicate that they have seen what occurred over the years, and some of them are relieved that Karen has moved out [“I can finally get rid of my junk cars”]. As she took nearly everything out of the house, they offer furniture to me, but I decline, as (personal trainer) had a few items of his own.
July XX, 2009 [mid-month]: I make arrangements to meet with a friend after work, to help him clean his apartment for his annual inspection. Because I knew I would be late, and (personal trainer) had no means of communicating, I leave my cell phone with him, and he takes me to work in my car. I am picked up by my other friend after work. I return home around 10:30 pm and find (personal trainer) is distraught. It appears that Karen has been calling the cell phone, but because it is not his, he did not answer it. She panicked, drove to our home from (her new place). (Personal trainer) was sitting in the family room watching TV, when she barged in demanding to know where I was and why (personal trainer) was not answering the phone. She said he was obligated to, which he declined. She grabbed my phone and searched through the text messages, finding some that are an explicit exchange between (personal trainer) and one of his friends. She then proceeds to my computer to try and hack into my email accounts [she has in-dept knowledge of this from her time at the well-known internet giant]. She had dropped the girls off at our next door neighbor’s house and goes there with my cell phone. She calls the police, and asks the Sheriff to evict him from the premises. The Sheriff arrives and declines, as (personal trainer) has the keys to the house, to my vehicle, and a note that he lives there legitimately. (Personal trainer) mentions that Karen has my cell phone and so the Sheriff goes next door to retrieve it. I was told that she left the premises at about 10 pm. It turns out, she had no money for a medication, and was looking to borrow $25, which our neighbor gave her. However, she dropped it in our driveway. (Personal trainer) did notice this, called her, and met her (at a nearby gas station) to give it to her.
July XX, 2009 [1 day later]: I write Karen an email, saying that her behavior the night before went too far, and that we need to make the split permanent, i.e. divorce.
July XX, 2009 [late month]: We file for bankruptcy protection under chapter 7 of the US bankruptcy code. We are listing the house and the travel trailer as being surrendered, but to keep the 2008 Chrysler SUV and to reaffirm the loan. In the end, the loan for the Chrysler is not reaffirmed and the vehicle repossessed, as neither one of us can afford the $365 per month payments.
August 2009: (Personal trainer) and I believe it to be a good idea to rent out the remaining rooms. I leave the wording of the ad up to him. Only after the fact do I find out the stipulation of the rentals, and have him take down the ad. This is also in part as Karen does not want any more roommates in the house.
In early August, Karen blackmails me into revealing my (sexuality) to my father. “If you’re not going to tell him, I will. He has to know.” [I believe she hopes that he will ostracize me due to their strict religious beliefs.] I speak to my father on August 11. He responds gracefully and understanding. In the meantime, Karen tells me that I am not welcome around her family members any more, and at least one has made a statement that could be perceived as a threat to my life [her uber-Christian, well-armed ex-army father]. “He should be taken out back and shot, to put him out of his misery.”
After I tell her how my father reacted, she acts pleased, but then continues that I also needed to tell my siblings, repeating her attempt at blackmailing me.
September 2009: Karen is hospitalized several times, once for another pulmonary embolism, the other time for mental health issues. Her oncologist advises her that she is “a ticking time bomb” and should not live alone with the children, as she could potentially keel over and die in a very short period of time. Her mental health related stay at (a local hospital) comes after she leaves a taxicab at a red light on her way to the hospital for a routine test on September 16, but in her mind, (the county social services) want to have her committed. She disappears for a few hours, during which I am making arrangements to pick up (daughter 1) from school. (Daughter 2) had stayed at Karen’s sister’s since the weekend. Karen is eventually found and this time taken to the psychiatric ward.
October 2009: Karen hires an attorney to help her prepare the paperwork to file for dissolution of marriage. I meet with them at a (fast food restaurant in a nearby big city) under the condition that all we discuss are the pertinent points of the dissolution. It turns into a barrage of attacks against me, mostly from the attorney, and I leave disillusioned.
During this time, she is hired by (another company), but falls ill shortly after. She is employed there for one month, and of that time works two weeks. She is let go in mid-November.
I finally reveal my (sexuality) to my siblings. Every single one of them reacts supportive and not judgmental, despite our very religious upbringing.
November 2009: Karen and I meet at my home to attempt to finalize our dissolution of marriage papers. We come to a consensus over two weekdays, and I am ready to file. The following day, she emails me, saying she had made some changes, which are nowhere near what we had agreed to previously.
A week later, she requests another meeting to “finalize” the paperwork again. She threatens that she would file by herself if I did not respond. I hold off on my response and file for dissolution of marriage as the petitioner on November 30, with the basic parenting plan as agreed and the child support worksheet based on actual income for myself, and imputed income for Karen, as at this point I do not know what her income is.
[The remaining statement is a listing of the supporting evidence for these allegations in my possession at the time (and still now). The judge never read it, saying it was too long, she also never looked at her medical records. At the last hearing, my visitation was reduced to a supervised minimum as I was made out to be a drug user and child molester (without evidence). I was supposed to undergo random weekly drug testing. My ex was awarded 80% of my net income, leaving me less than what a hovel of an apartment costs. Outside the court, Karen told me “I have no sympathy for you.” In shock, I went back to my home country, to my parents, and kept to myself for several months. I had always believed that if you did good, acted kindly and givingly, good things would come to you and that Lady Justice is impartial. That pretty notion went out the window. Anyway, I left my father as the point of contact. After a while, I made contact again, asking the court how the divorce was proceeding, if they needed any paperwork. I got either no response or “no paperwork needed”. When the final judgment came down, she was awarded all our goods, custody of the children, support based on 150% of my actual income at the time, and all valid, because “I had not participated”. The PTSD continues to this day, but I am tired of being afraid almost to the point of paranoia, hence this publication. In the last 10 years Karen has finished a higher education program but still cannot get a job, I’ve tried to get the child support people to adjust the judgment to the current conditions, all to no avail (in and of itself worth another post about math illiteracy at the state level), just to preserve the status quo. Just say no to Karen and just say no to religion. Both f*ck people up to no extend.
P.S.: Karen, if somehow you came across this post, you will notice that I have left out all identifying information. Please think carefully about how you react to this. I suggest just letting it stand. If my personal identifying information should be divulged (which is against the rules of this platform), or if I start being harassed by you or other people not known to me privately, I will happily provide all the requested information (unlike last time) should you be investigated for welfare fraud again. You have been warned. I am no longer afraid of you.
For all others that may recognize this case (it should only be close family and friends): Please do not disclose the identity of Karen (again, against the rules and a d*ck move). Do not harass her, either. Just let this stand here for what it is. I think life has punished her enough.]
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2020.06.17 20:36 owaiszaheer The Princely Kingdom

The Princely Kingdom

Dissidents; Embargo; Nuclear Weapons; Yemen
Current congressional debates on Saudi Arabia exhibit great antipathy towards Riyadh, a US ally that was once immune from most public criticism . The five bills reviewed for this note identify four broad points of contention that persist between Washington and the Kingdom:

  1. Dissidents: the murder of Jamal Khashoggi by Saudi operatives in Istanbul caused revulsion across Congress. Growing evidence of sophisticated Saudi operations targeting dissidents, and other opponents have also elevated concerns. Saudi agents involved with the Khashoggi killing remain sanctionedunder US Magnitsky laws.
  2. Energy and defense: Saudi influence on energy markets remains potent, and its ability to “swing” its production has put pressure on US shale oil output . Calls for linking energy to security matters have been made by some Republicans.
  3. Nuclear: the construction of Saudi Arabia’s first nuclear reactor has sparked Congressional anxiety over potential nuclear proliferation. Riyadh, unlike the UAE, has refused to accede to US demands for intrusive inspections.
  4. Yemen: the brutal war has not achieved Saudi objectives, and is synonymous with the US weapon systems that have inflicted massive civilian casualties. The Houthis remain entrenched in their positions, while the Saudi led coalition is under constant threat of collapse.

Bill Trajectory

Although the proposed bills do not appear to be under active consideration, Saudi Arabia is unlikely to remain a dormant issue. As recently as March, there were rumours of an aborted coup attempt that had triggered another purge of those deemed insufficiently loyal to the Crown Prince, Muhammad bin Salman (MBS).
On the other hand, the Saudi ability to provide financial liquidity to distressed Western capital markets remains potent, if diminished. Just its vast purchases of weapons from the United States, which in 2019 stood at 61.9 bn USD, have made it one of the world’s leading consumers of US armaments.
This unique financial capacity has long provided Riyadh a shield against aggressive Congressional scrutiny. Given the crippling impact of the global pandemic on energy markets, the Saudis may be unable to rely on their traditional tactics of financing away US critique.

Background: Clan Politics

The meteoric rise of MBS, the de facto ruler of the Kingdom, is without precedent in Saudi Arabia. It has been accompanied with a purge of senior figures but also some significant, though limited, social reforms. A new, aggressive foreign policy has also been pursued by MBS. These actions have seen sustained criticism on Capitol Hill, where the story of how the prince acquired his other nickname, Abu Rasasa (the “father of the bullet”), is well known.
An early sign of MBS’s ambition was his detention of major Saudi business figures, as well as senior family members at the Ritz Carlton in Riyadh. Most were released after agreeing to pay undisclosed sums to the government. Reportedly, MBS’s own mother has fallen victim to his policy of detention:
Other members of the royal family had also noticed the apparent disappearance of MBS’s mother. Around the time that Salman became king, she had stopped showing up at family weddings, funerals, and holiday celebrations, leading them to conclude that her son had locked her up somewhere. But, like the Americans, they didn’t know why. Excerpt From: Ben Hubbard. “MBS: The Rise to Power of Mohammed Bin Salman.”
The Crown Prince’s bias in favour of aggressive policies has made some members of Congress question the long term viability of his rule.

Dissidents

Saudi Arabia once relied heavily on its financial resources to purchase the compliance and silence of dissidents. It now has agents who are able to deploy more sophisticated means. While the case of the murdered journalist Jamal Khasoggi in Istanbul is well known, the Kingdom has undertaken other actions as well, such as infiltrating Twitter to target North America based Saudi dissidents:
The Justice Department accused the two men of using their positions and their access to Twitter’s internal systems to aid Saudi Arabia by obtaining information on American citizens and Saudi dissidents who opposed the policies of the kingdom and its leaders.
Related to this is Congressional concern that the Saudis continue to aid and abet the escape of Saudi citizens who have been accused of serious crimes in the United States.

Energy and Defense

In March, Saudi Arabia and Russia commenced a ruinous price war, which greatly exacerbated the turmoil in energy markets. US shale oil producers were particularly badly hit by the Saudi moves, leading a group of senators to explicitly draw a link between arms sales and energy policy. In a letter to the Secretary of State this Republican grouping declared:
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia must change course. The American people grow weary of providing for the defense of Saudi Arabia – with military financing and weapons sales, logistics and intelligence-sharing, and the deployment of our men and women in uniform. This relationship will be difficult to preserve if turmoil and hardship continue to be intentionally inflicted on the small- and medium-sized American companies that are the heart of our nation’s energy abundance. By taking advantage of a confusing situation and desperate time, the Kingdom risks its bilateral relationship with the United States.

Nuclear

Suspicions have grown in Congress that Saudi Arabia is harboring nuclear ambitions of its own in order to counter Iran. In contrast, the UAE, or little Sparta, concluded a special agreement with the United States, which placed the UAE’s reactors under advanced supervision so that they cannot be used to research weapon production.
Current Congressional policy is to seek a similar concession from Riyadh. The first Saudi nuclear reactor is fast nearing completion. Future US participation in this sector will be contingent on a so-called “123 agreement” between the United States and Saudi Arabia, which is US legal requirement:
Section 123 of the Atomic Energy Act of 1954, as amended (AEA, 22 U.S.C. 2011 et seq.), requires nuclear cooperation agreements for significant nuclear cooperation with foreign governments. Such cooperation includes the transfer of certain U.S.-origin nuclear material subject to licensing for commercial, medical, and industrial purposes; the export of reactors and critical reactor components; and other commodities under Nuclear Regulatory Commission export licensing authority.

Yemen

The war in Yemen has ground to a stalemate. Congress’ stand has generally been to disapprove of the war as well as the logistical support the United States has provided Saudi Arabia. Because of the global pandemic, the war in Yemen has receded from view. The prospect of sanctions against Saudi’s Yemeni war remain low given the value of Saudi weapons contracts.

Acts Reviewed

ESCAPE of Saudi Nationals Act

The full form of this Senate bill is “Examining Saudi Consular Activities Promoting Extraction (ESCAPE) Act” . The bill recalls a variety of instances wherein Saudi nationals have been facilitated by Saudi diplomatic posts to return to the Kingdom.
In order to pressurize such conduct, it proposes amending the State Department Basic Authorities Act of 1956 by adding the following language:
Real property in the United States may not be maintained by any foreign mission of a foreign country if the Secretary of State, after consultation with the Attorney General, determines that such foreign mission has aided in the removal of a citizen or national of its country from the United States with the effect of evading the prosecution of such citizen or national for 1 or more criminal offenses committed in the United States.
Note: the US has, in turn, also facilitated the evacuation of non-diplomatic personnel accused of crimes in other countries. See for example the Raymond Davis case involving a CIA spy in Pakistan, or the killing of Harry Dunn in the UK. See also the Saudi Fugitive Declassification Act of 2019.

Protection of Saudi Dissidents Act of 2019

This bill proposes significant arms sales restrictions on the Saudis:
…the President may not transfer, sell, or authorize a license for export of any defense articles or services, any design and construction services, or any major defense equipment under the Arms Export Control Act (22 U.S.C. 2751 et seq.), regardless of the amount of such articles, services, or equipment, to an intelligence, internal security, or law enforcement agency or instrumentality of the Government of Saudi Arabia, or to any person acting as an agent of or on behalf of such agency or instrumentality.
It explicitly links further arms sales to progress on a number of human rights related issues including:
  1. An independent review of the murder of the journalist Jamal Khashoggi;
  2. The release of any “individual who is a journalist, blogger, human rights defender, advocate for religious freedom, or civil society activist detained by the Government of Saudi Arabia”;
  3. Cessation of harassment of individuals “for blasphemy and apostasy”;
  4. An end to the “torture of detainees”; and
  5. The disbanding of units of Saudi Arabia’s “intelligence or security apparatus dedicated to the forced repatriation, silencing, or killing of dissidents in other countries”.
Given the sheer value and importance of Saudi Arms acquisitions, this is unlikely to gain much traction. See also the continuing controversy engulfing the Secretary of State Mike Pompeo with regards to his firing of a US State Department official for his investigation of previous Saudi arms transfers.

Saudi Arabia Accountability and Yemen Act of 2019

Introduced last year, this bill would prohibit the following activities / impose sanctions on:
  • Arms transfers to Saudi Arabia.
  • In-flight refueling of Saudi coalition aircraft operating in Yemen.
  • Imposition of sanctions with respect to persons hindering humanitarian access and threatening the peace or stability of Yemen.
  • Imposition of sanctions with respect to persons supporting the Houthis in Yemen.
See also: Saudi Arabia Diplomatic Review Act of 2019

Saudi Nuclear Nonproliferation Act of 2019

This proposed act would require that:
any provision of financing assistance by the Export-Import Bank of the United States to Saudi Arabia for the import of United States nuclear technology, equipment, fuel, materials, or goods or services should be conditioned on the commitment of the Government of Saudi Arabia to renounce uranium enrichment and reprocessing on its territory and its adoption and implementation of an Additional Protocol to its Comprehensive Safeguards Agreement with the International Atomic Energy Agency as a way to advance United States nonproliferation and nuclear cooperation objectives in the region

Strained Partnership Act

This bill has a simple purpose, to reduce US military assets in Saudi Arabia.
All United States Armed Forces and equipment, including Patriot missile batteries and the Terminal High Altitude Area Defense (THAAD) system, shall be removed from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia by not later than 90 days after the date of the enactment of this Act.
Separately, some military assets have already been slated for withdrawal as of May.

Sources and Methods

Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund’s Buying Spree

The Public Investment Fund, the Saudi vehicle steered by Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, has acquired a 5.7 per cent stake in the Los Angeles-based entertainment group, according to a US regulatory filing. Shares in Live Nation climbed 6.7 per cent to $40.78 just before midday in New York, giving it a market value of $8.8bn. In recent weeks the PIF has snapped up stakes in beleaguered cruise line operator Carnival and European oil companies including Royal Dutch Shell and Total, whose shares have been hit by the collapse in crude prices. It also agreed a £300m deal to buy a majority stake in English Premier League football club Newcastle United. The Saudi government has looked to open up the country’s entertainment sector and create a budding domestic film and entertainment industry.

The Ailing Economy

The Saudi Arabian Monetary Authority’s net foreign assets dropped by 100bn riyals ($27bn) in March to SAR465bn, the lowest levels since 2011 and the fastest decline in two decades, it said on Wednesday. The rapid fall illustrates the magnitude of the oil producer’s challenge in funding a package of coronavirus stimulus measures to protect the economy, while crude is trading at rock bottom prices. Brent crude dropped to below $20 a barrel this week for this first time in 18 years. The government has already had to pare back spending, trimming its 2020 budget by 5 per cent, and has said it is prepared to raise its debt ceiling from 30 per cent of gross domestic product to 50 per cent. The kingdom has raised an estimated $12bn on international debt markets this year. Low oil prices are already having an impact. The finance ministry on Wednesday reported a first-quarter budget deficit of $9bn, compared to a surplus of $7.4bn in the same period last year. Revenues in the first quarter were down by 22 per cent year-on-year.

The Hajj’s COVID Disruption

The disruption of the hajj and of the travel of Muslims to and from Saudi Arabia imperil long-standing planks of Saudi foreign policy. Pilgrimages and person-to-person exchanges in the kingdom have been key to the Saudi proselytization efforts across three continents. The ostracized Indonesian founding father Mohammad Natsir, for example, was a frequent visitor to Saudi Arabia, won the favor of King Faisal, and in 1967 started the Indonesian Islamic Propagation Council, which became a conduit for Saudi funds. The council endowed a boarding school in Central Java, where several of the perpetrators of the 2002 Bali bombings studied. Likewise, a young Nigerian scholar named Abubakar Gumi, who worked in Jeddah as a hajj officer, was entrusted in 1965 with channeling King Faisal’s funds into Nigeria, where he promptly embarked on a vigorous anti-Sufi campaign. Gumi went on pilgrimage to Mecca every year between 1955 and 1965, and it was there that he recruited Nigerian collaborators such as Khulod, whom he personally tapped to run MWL in Abuja.

Saudi’s Nuclear Reactor

While Saudi Arabia has been open about its ambitions to generate nuclear power, less is known about the kinds of monitoring the kingdom intends to put in place. President Donald Trump’s administration sent a letter to Saudi Arabia last year setting requirements to access U.S. atomic technology. The baseline for any agreement is tougher IAEA inspections. “Saudi Arabia is aware of what their obligations are,” IAEA Director General Rafael Mariano Grossi said Feb. 5 in Washington after meeting with U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Grossi dismissed Saudi suggestions that it would acquire nuclear weapons if Iran did. The situation hasn’t changed since Grossi spoke, an IAEA spokesperson said by email, adding that other countries have completed the transition to stricter monitoring after scaling up nuclear programs. IAEA inspectors who account for gram-levels of uranium worldwide verify the designs of facilities to ensure that nuclear material is contained within and can’t be smuggled out via trap doors or hidden tunnels, said Robert Kelley, a former IAEA director who led inspections in Iraq, Libya and South Africa. “They’re going to have to work with the IAEA forever if they want to move toward nuclear power and this would be the time to establish that relationship,” Kelley, a nuclear engineer, said of Saudi Arabia.

Amazon VS. Saudi

On January 22nd UN investigators alleged that the de facto ruler of Saudi Arabia may have hacked the mobile phone of Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, an e-commerce giant. According to a forensic report prepared for Mr Bezos, the world’s richest man received an infected video file on WhatsApp, a messaging service, sent from a number used by the crown prince. It opened a back door on the billionaire’s phone, which was soon used to steal large amounts of data—though the un did not say exactly what, or how it was used. It called for an “immediate investigation”. The Saudi embassy in Washington, dc, said the accusations were “absurd”. Surreal as they may seem, though, the allegations make sense. Last year the National Enquirer, an American tabloid, published an exposé about an extramarital affair between Mr Bezos and a television presenter. He, in turn, accused the newspaper of trying to blackmail him with leaked photos. An investigator working for Mr Bezos later accused the Saudi government of being behind the leaks. The Enquirer’s parent company, American Media llc, has a relationship with the Saudis. In 2018 it published a glossy propaganda magazine extolling the virtues of Prince Muhammad. On the face of it, the Saudis had reason to go after Mr Bezos. He owns the Washington Post, which counted among its contributors Jamal Khashoggi, a Saudi journalist whose critical columns angered Prince Muhammad. In October 2018 Khashoggi was murdered and dismembered inside the kingdom’s consulate in Istanbul. The CIA concluded that the prince probably ordered the killing (he denies this).

Former Saudi Intelligence Officer Targeted

Some former senior U.S. and British spymasters are feeling that shock to the conscience now, as they watch the plight of Saad Aljabri, a former top Saudi intelligence officer who helped build the kingdom’s counterterrorism capability — and in the process provided what intelligence officials describe as invaluable help to the West. Aljabri’s son Khalid, a cardiologist who lives with his father in Toronto, said during interviews that two of his younger siblings — Omar, 21, and Sarah, 20 — were seized and imprisoned in mid-March by the regime of Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, who is often referred to as MBS, as leverage to force their father to return to the kingdom from exile in Canada.

The Saudi Lie

MBS’s paid defenders have a line on detention: ‘Prison in Saudi Arabia is quite benign.’ Those were the words used during a televised debate by Ali Shihabi, the director of the Arabia Foundation, a Saudi-funded Washington think-tank founded in 2017 that is effectively a PR firm in all but name. By coincidence, Shihabi’s interlocutor on that occasion was Jamal Khashoggi. After his fellow panelist’s murder Shihabi employed another impressive line of defence, tweeting: ‘Leaders and governments make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones ... But one horrible murder cannot and will not be allowed to put the country further at risk.’
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2020.06.15 23:05 fractalfay At one point, I had 15 cats: Recap of Happily Ever After S05E01

Welcome to Happily Ever After, where no one is happy and we have to watch them forever. This season promises an all-star cast of couples that either aren’t married yet or probably shouldn’t be, to help all of us at home make peace with our life choices.
Colt and his eyebrow-tell are back, because we had no choice in this matter. 90DF DeLorean’s us back to that time Colt thoughtlessly cheated on his mother with Larissa. Colt declares that he bought her everything she ever wanted, except flowers, a car with air conditioning, furniture, and an apartment away from his mother. Then Colt recalls the dark day he threw his baby bottle across the reunion because Larissa wasn’t holding a candle for his mother’s cuisine and slot machine, and was riding another D instead.
It was definitely 90DF’s idea to film him working out in the garage and not sweating, but they forgot to let “Eye of the Tiger” play in the background alongside a montage of slow fitness gains over time. Debbie arrives and reads her lines about not being able to lift even one of those weights, because mah stars isn’t Colt strong? She manages to pull it from the ground with both hands, and Colt Popeye’s it a few more times and stop it 90DF. Stop right now.
Debbie is happy about the divorce, and her ongoing role as the kickstand in Colt’s adult development. Colt brings up the possibility of an open marriage to Debbie, and she immediately disapproves. Colt says that he’s lonely and wants to be with someone, and Debbie is confused about when she stopped being a someone, exactly.
“Colt doesn’t need to date. He needs to crawl back inside me, where its warm,” Debbie declares.
With Colt done with forehead day at the gym, he climbs into the shower to oil up his body for the ladies at home. It’s in this vulnerable state that we learn he has a new girlfriend named Jess who is also from Brazil and currently living in Chicago, working as an au pair, which is fancy-talk for nanny. Debbie doesn’t know, so under the cover of night, Colt unstraps himself from his bed and picks the lock on his bedroom door, to scuttle away and meet his mistress in Chicago. They select a packed sports bar for intimacy, and discuss the finer points of cat ownership. They celebrate their shared feline affection with an awkward hang-ten high-five, and Jess’s cat tattoo tries to run down her arm to escape.
“At one point I had 15 cats, one for each of my tongues,” Colt purrs, before showing her his teeth as a sign of dominance.
“GOOD boy!” She mews in response.
“Do you know what a furry is?” Colt is getting excited now. “Good girl!”
“Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow,” Jess rolls on her back for the exposed-belly trap.
Colts says that usually he takes things slow, like the five days it took him to propose to Larissa, but Jess is different. During this date, Jess decides to educate Colt about the finer points of dating a Brazilian, and how they sometimes have sex on the first date, and also sex, that is sexy. Good thing Colt worked out that forehead earlier, because now it’s flexing like a straight fucking unit. Jess did not know that uttering the s-word would end their date immediately. Next thing you know Colt is tonguing Jess while he waits for a Lyft back to the hotel, before practically finger banging her until she protects her genitals with her purse and locks his fingers in a vice-like grip. Several gross kisses later, I’m bathed in flashbacks to the tongue coming through the phone in Nightmare on Elm Street, and where is Freddy Krueger to assure us this will end if we can just wake up?
Speaking of gross, Larissa is cleaning toilets to finish off community service, which is the free square on her domestic violence Bingo! Card. The hot lawyer makes a cameo as the best part of their story. Larissa says that she bought herself a new ass and an instagram face, and plans to spend the rest of the season either planning a surgery or recovering from one, because her children are her world.
She catches up with some friends at the pool, and admits she dropped Erik because he was cheap and didn’t want to have sex, and she got bored.
“He like lost that loving feeling,” Larissa explains. “Whoa that loving feeling.”
She says that Colt always gave her compliments “after I complained” and that he wanted sex all the time, and that he wasn’t biggie and wasn’t small. Larissa, we have seen the evidence. Don’t fake news us. Colt cancelled his support of her green card, so now she’s got to find another way to stay in the US permanently. From there we somehow end up with Larissa and her roommate Carmen in the kitchen, where she is fisting a turkey with stuffing. Apparently, her quest for citizenship involves Thanksgiving.
Later, Larissa drinks hot chocolate through a straw and calls her dad to ask for money. She tells us it’s awkward but looks totally natural as she asks her dad for 5K. Dude has to check his accounts, and hopes his daughter stops injecting her 90df checks into her face.
Okay everybody make room, make room, we’ve got a professional coming through, make room goddammit! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Angela, gyrating and fondling her own body with booty popping memaw magic, in an erotic dance class with her daughter. Whoever cast her gets a standing ovation every time she walks into the room. At the end of a mother-daughter strip-off Angela replenishes her shed calories with a little help from Coke, and mentions nothing about who decided fuzzy vests were required for this occasion.
Angela is stoked to try out her new moves on Michael, an announcement she makes straddling a chair like the promo of Striptease, and asks Skyla to attend their Nigerian wedding as a witness so Michael can come over on a spousal visa. Skyla refuses, pulling a golden ticket from Willy Wonka’s Logic Bar, with, “You don’t even know how he is around your family.” Angela blinks rapidly to erase this fairy tale intrusion. Still, she agrees to take Skyla’s advice and seek counsel to understand her legal rights in Nigeria pertaining to marriage.
Fresh from dance class, Angela announces that the entire family has moved into a new house with plenty of bedrooms (and a lot of spectacular windows that demand house plants), which is important when you have six grandkids, your daughter, and your mother living with you, and she’s eager for Michael to join them. Michael calls, and she gives him a tour of the house, highlighting the tiny bed he has no choice about, then wandering from room to room while holding her phone like brass knuckles. She reports that she’s sick, and has her period after years of uterine dormancy. Michael thinks this is good news, since Angela’s had PMS for at least two years, and maybe now she’ll just watch Bridezilla and cuddle a water bottle and eat chocolate like women in romantic comedies. Then his phone makes a noise Angela hasn’t heard before, and she immediately assumes this is the cheating siren going off. Michael seems tired, and tells her that he just got tired of his old ringtone, but don’t get all fancy rational when Angela is trying to scream incoherently. After she hangs up on her he calls her back, and tells her that she needs to calm down, but Angela is ready to marry him in Nigeria, not trust him.
Andrei is unemployed in a very masculine way, which means he hangs a television while baby Eleanor looks at him and laughs. He’s been married to Libby for three years, and she works full-time for her dad while Andrei is a stay-at-home dad doing ¼ of the work of the standard stay-at-home parent. This is underscored by Libby’s loving greeting, “What did you do all day, nothing?” He’s planning a second wedding in Moldova, which means saying that he’s planning a second wedding in Moldova, while waiting for Libby’s dad to do something so he can insult him.
Very important: look at Eleanor’s face at the start of each of their segments. The goblin king is going to demand audience with this child.
It’s Libby’s dads birthday, and she found just the right see-through shirt fo the occasion, and is taking her time to get ready. Andrei is not looking forward to it, because he thinks Libby’s family is two-faced, since they openly hate him to his face, and openly hate him behind his back. “That’s my biggest issue. Being a double-faced,” Andrei declares, totally derailing that definition.
The family is all gathered at dad’s house for red Solo cups and tiny hats, complaining about Libby being late in advance, to underscore that the insult Andrei was hunting for is “passive-aggressive”. They anticipate Andrei and Libby blaming it on the baby, despite the fact that all their competition babies were suckling that titty right on time, dammit. Finally they arrive, insisting it was because “the baby was sleeping,” and the sisters race to play the first sad trombone of disappointment. Andrei decides to spice things up by griping about his wife being the only one who offered him a plate of food, because apparently the entire family is supposed to swarm him the moment the troubadour announces his presence. Somehow this becomes “the women ganging up on the men” and I wonder if Libby has ever considered going to these events with just Eleanor.
Andrei then decides to toast Libby’s dad, which means randomly throwing their second wedding in Moldova in the air, along with the expectation that everyone spring for airfare for a foreign country do-over. You can actually see dad’s tiny birthday hat wilting. Libby stares at Andrei with her Solo cup hole hanging open. He says this is happening in a month and would like everyone to be there, which doesn’t really work in terms of planning for international travel with small children, or at all. Libby’s dad is worried he’s going to be left holding the bill for this event, which is the right worry to have, because that’s exactly what Andrei is thinking, too.
On the way home Libby brings up Andrei hijacking her dad’s birthday party with expensive news and a timeline they didn’t agree on, but Andrei is indifferent. Libby insists that the whole point of wedding #2 is to take their time and plan it properly. She seems at a loss about how to confront him, and is apparently just willing to take it indefinitely, because admitting her family was right would be worse. I’m just going to ship her and Kalani moving into a home for women together, for mutual child-rearing support.
Aseulu is back to remind us of the seven year age difference between himself and Kalani. He’s working part-time handing out samples at the grocery store, which means peer pressuring a senior citizen into taking a dessert with a name he can’t remember. Kalani squeezed out her second son, and reports that two kids in two years in difficult, and makes a really good case for using condoms like a slut person. She picks up Aseulu from his work shift, while the kids chatter in the background, and when they arrive at the house he simply gets out and walks in, like a sullen teenager who can’t wait to imitate his mother on TikTok. This leaves Kalani to wrestle two crying children out of the car on her own, and open the door herself. Somehow, the next scene isn’t her leading a fun game of let’s help daddy pack.
Kalani’s mother Lisa and father Low have both moved in, and happily greet these ridiculous cute wee people. Aseulu describes this as “too much people” and Kalani describes this as “help.” Aseulu doesn’t understand why Kalani needs help, because his mother did everything herself and it was easy. All across the country, parents are sharpening their knives.
Apparently after they come home, Aseulu either retreats to video games or goes to play volleyball with his friends. Kalani sits down with Aseulu and the kids, and tries to explain to him that she doesn’t have something like volleyball, she just has the kids 24-7. He adds that he “helps sometimes” and Kalani fires up the PowerPoint outlining how fathers aren’t babysitters, they’re parents. She points out that they haven’t gone on any dates for a long time, and Aseulu says they went to the movies the other night, and Kalani retorts that that was four months ago. To Aseulu they basically date every day, because they’re around each other every day, but Kalani says that she hasn’t been drunk or wearing fancy clothing for any of those occasions. Aseulu glumly resigns himself to a romantic future closely supervised by his in-laws.
Later on, Lisa demonstrates savage chopping skills, while Low is outside raking up apples, and shoveling them into a bin. Is anyone else hypnotized by how effortless these motions are? This is a moment of Zen. Aseulu decides to come out and lend a hand, and tells the producers that he doesn’t like living with her parents because he’s not the man of the house anymore. Low isn’t convinced he’s even a man, let alone of any house, and tells Aseulu that he expected him to step it up, and that hasn’t happened yet. Aseulu thanks him for his “advice and concern” with all the passion of someone promising their grandmother a paper letter at the nursing home. Low corrects him that if he expresses his concerns then he and Aseulu are going to have a problem, and the next question will be what did the five fingers say to the face? This should clarify what Aseulu means by “too many people,” but his magic pregnancy stick could add to their brood any episode now.
Next week, I don’t know, because they played us with a season preview instead of a nudge at next week. So instead I can promise that this season Paul and Karine will recreate the famous Kalani/Aseulu car scene (without the Cheetos), Angela will yell about things, Libby’s dad will pay for something, and Aseulu will walk around with a suitcase.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!
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2020.06.15 23:04 fractalfay At one points, I had 15 cats: Recap of Happily Ever After, S05E01

Welcome to Happily Ever After, where no one is happy and we have to watch them forever. This season promises an all-star cast of couples that either aren’t married yet or probably shouldn’t be, to help all of us at home make peace with our life choices.
Colt and his eyebrow-tell are back, because we had no choice in this matter. 90DF DeLorean’s us back to that time Colt thoughtlessly cheated on his mother with Larissa. Colt declares that he bought her everything she ever wanted, except flowers, a car with air conditioning, furniture, and an apartment away from his mother. Then Colt recalls the dark day he threw his baby bottle across the reunion because Larissa wasn’t holding a candle for his mother’s cuisine and slot machine, and was riding another D instead.
It was definitely 90DF’s idea to film him working out in the garage and not sweating, but they forgot to let “Eye of the Tiger” play in the background alongside a montage of slow fitness gains over time. Debbie arrives and reads her lines about not being able to lift even one of those weights, because mah stars isn’t Colt strong? She manages to pull it from the ground with both hands, and Colt Popeye’s it a few more times and stop it 90DF. Stop right now.
Debbie is happy about the divorce, and her ongoing role as the kickstand in Colt’s adult development. Colt brings up the possibility of an open marriage to Debbie, and she immediately disapproves. Colt says that he’s lonely and wants to be with someone, and Debbie is confused about when she stopped being a someone, exactly.
“Colt doesn’t need to date. He needs to crawl back inside me, where its warm,” Debbie declares.
With Colt done with forehead day at the gym, he climbs into the shower to oil up his body for the ladies at home. It’s in this vulnerable state that we learn he has a new girlfriend named Jess who is also from Brazil and currently living in Chicago, working as an au pair, which is fancy-talk for nanny. Debbie doesn’t know, so under the cover of night, Colt unstraps himself from his bed and picks the lock on his bedroom door, to scuttle away and meet his mistress in Chicago. They select a packed sports bar for intimacy, and discuss the finer points of cat ownership. They celebrate their shared feline affection with an awkward hang-ten high-five, and Jess’s cat tattoo tries to run down her arm to escape.
“At one point I had 15 cats, one for each of my tongues,” Colt purrs, before showing her his teeth as a sign of dominance.
“GOOD boy!” She mews in response.
“Do you know what a furry is?” Colt is getting excited now. “Good girl!”
“Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow,” Jess rolls on her back for the exposed-belly trap.
Colts says that usually he takes things slow, like the five days it took him to propose to Larissa, but Jess is different. During this date, Jess decides to educate Colt about the finer points of dating a Brazilian, and how they sometimes have sex on the first date, and also sex, that is sexy. Good thing Colt worked out that forehead earlier, because now it’s flexing like a straight fucking unit. Jess did not know that uttering the s-word would end their date immediately. Next thing you know Colt is tonguing Jess while he waits for a Lyft back to the hotel, before practically finger banging her until she protects her genitals with her purse and locks his fingers in a vice-like grip. Several gross kisses later, I’m bathed in flashbacks to the tongue coming through the phone in Nightmare on Elm Street, and where is Freddy Krueger to assure us this will end if we can just wake up?
Speaking of gross, Larissa is cleaning toilets to finish off community service, which is the free square on her domestic violence Bingo! Card. The hot lawyer makes a cameo as the best part of their story. Larissa says that she bought herself a new ass and an instagram face, and plans to spend the rest of the season either planning a surgery or recovering from one, because her children are her world.
She catches up with some friends at the pool, and admits she dropped Erik because he was cheap and didn’t want to have sex, and she got bored.
“He like lost that loving feeling,” Larissa explains. “Whoa that loving feeling.”
She says that Colt always gave her compliments “after I complained” and that he wanted sex all the time, and that he wasn’t biggie and wasn’t small. Larissa, we have seen the evidence. Don’t fake news us. Colt cancelled his support of her green card, so now she’s got to find another way to stay in the US permanently. From there we somehow end up with Larissa and her roommate Carmen in the kitchen, where she is fisting a turkey with stuffing. Apparently, her quest for citizenship involves Thanksgiving.
Later, Larissa drinks hot chocolate through a straw and calls her dad to ask for money. She tells us it’s awkward but looks totally natural as she asks her dad for 5K. Dude has to check his accounts, and hopes his daughter stops injecting her 90df checks into her face.
Okay everybody make room, make room, we’ve got a professional coming through, make room goddammit! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Angela, gyrating and fondling her own body with booty popping memaw magic, in an erotic dance class with her daughter. Whoever cast her gets a standing ovation every time she walks into the room. At the end of a mother-daughter strip-off Angela replenishes her shed calories with a little help from Coke, and mentions nothing about who decided fuzzy vests were required for this occasion.
Angela is stoked to try out her new moves on Michael, an announcement she makes straddling a chair like the promo of Striptease, and asks Skyla to attend their Nigerian wedding as a witness so Michael can come over on a spousal visa. Skyla refuses, pulling a golden ticket from Willy Wonka’s Logic Bar, with, “You don’t even know how he is around your family.” Angela blinks rapidly to erase this fairy tale intrusion. Still, she agrees to take Skyla’s advice and seek counsel to understand her legal rights in Nigeria pertaining to marriage.
Fresh from dance class, Angela announces that the entire family has moved into a new house with plenty of bedrooms (and a lot of spectacular windows that demand house plants), which is important when you have six grandkids, your daughter, and your mother living with you, and she’s eager for Michael to join them. Michael calls, and she gives him a tour of the house, highlighting the tiny bed he has no choice about, then wandering from room to room while holding her phone like brass knuckles. She reports that she’s sick, and has her period after years of uterine dormancy. Michael thinks this is good news, since Angela’s had PMS for at least two years, and maybe now she’ll just watch Bridezilla and cuddle a water bottle and eat chocolate like women in romantic comedies. Then his phone makes a noise Angela hasn’t heard before, and she immediately assumes this is the cheating siren going off. Michael seems tired, and tells her that he just got tired of his old ringtone, but don’t get all fancy rational when Angela is trying to scream incoherently. After she hangs up on her he calls her back, and tells her that she needs to calm down, but Angela is ready to marry him in Nigeria, not trust him.
Andrei is unemployed in a very masculine way, which means he hangs a television while baby Eleanor looks at him and laughs. He’s been married to Libby for three years, and she works full-time for her dad while Andrei is a stay-at-home dad doing ¼ of the work of the standard stay-at-home parent. This is underscored by Libby’s loving greeting, “What did you do all day, nothing?” He’s planning a second wedding in Moldova, which means saying that he’s planning a second wedding in Moldova, while waiting for Libby’s dad to do something so he can insult him.
Very important: look at Eleanor’s face at the start of each of their segments. The goblin king is going to demand audience with this child.
It’s Libby’s dads birthday, and she found just the right see-through shirt fo the occasion, and is taking her time to get ready. Andrei is not looking forward to it, because he thinks Libby’s family is two-faced, since they openly hate him to his face, and openly hate him behind his back. “That’s my biggest issue. Being a double-faced,” Andrei declares, totally derailing that definition.
The family is all gathered at dad’s house for red Solo cups and tiny hats, complaining about Libby being late in advance, to underscore that the insult Andrei was hunting for is “passive-aggressive”. They anticipate Andrei and Libby blaming it on the baby, despite the fact that all their competition babies were suckling that titty right on time, dammit. Finally they arrive, insisting it was because “the baby was sleeping,” and the sisters race to play the first sad trombone of disappointment. Andrei decides to spice things up by griping about his wife being the only one who offered him a plate of food, because apparently the entire family is supposed to swarm him the moment the troubadour announces his presence. Somehow this becomes “the women ganging up on the men” and I wonder if Libby has ever considered going to these events with just Eleanor.
Andrei then decides to toast Libby’s dad, which means randomly throwing their second wedding in Moldova in the air, along with the expectation that everyone spring for airfare for a foreign country do-over. You can actually see dad’s tiny birthday hat wilting. Libby stares at Andrei with her Solo cup hole hanging open. He says this is happening in a month and would like everyone to be there, which doesn’t really work in terms of planning for international travel with small children, or at all. Libby’s dad is worried he’s going to be left holding the bill for this event, which is the right worry to have, because that’s exactly what Andrei is thinking, too.
On the way home Libby brings up Andrei hijacking her dad’s birthday party with expensive news and a timeline they didn’t agree on, but Andrei is indifferent. Libby insists that the whole point of wedding #2 is to take their time and plan it properly. She seems at a loss about how to confront him, and is apparently just willing to take it indefinitely, because admitting her family was right would be worse. I’m just going to ship her and Kalani moving into a home for women together, for mutual child-rearing support.
Aseulu is back to remind us of the seven year age difference between himself and Kalani. He’s working part-time handing out samples at the grocery store, which means peer pressuring a senior citizen into taking a dessert with a name he can’t remember. Kalani squeezed out her second son, and reports that two kids in two years in difficult, and makes a really good case for using condoms like a slut person. She picks up Aseulu from his work shift, while the kids chatter in the background, and when they arrive at the house he simply gets out and walks in, like a sullen teenager who can’t wait to imitate his mother on TikTok. This leaves Kalani to wrestle two crying children out of the car on her own, and open the door herself. Somehow, the next scene isn’t her leading a fun game of let’s help daddy pack.
Kalani’s mother Lisa and father Low have both moved in, and happily greet these ridiculous cute wee people. Aseulu describes this as “too much people” and Kalani describes this as “help.” Aseulu doesn’t understand why Kalani needs help, because his mother did everything herself and it was easy. All across the country, parents are sharpening their knives.
Apparently after they come home, Aseulu either retreats to video games or goes to play volleyball with his friends. Kalani sits down with Aseulu and the kids, and tries to explain to him that she doesn’t have something like volleyball, she just has the kids 24-7. He adds that he “helps sometimes” and Kalani fires up the PowerPoint outlining how fathers aren’t babysitters, they’re parents. She points out that they haven’t gone on any dates for a long time, and Aseulu says they went to the movies the other night, and Kalani retorts that that was four months ago. To Aseulu they basically date every day, because they’re around each other every day, but Kalani says that she hasn’t been drunk or wearing fancy clothing for any of those occasions. Aseulu glumly resigns himself to a romantic future closely supervised by his in-laws.
Later on, Lisa demonstrates savage chopping skills, while Low is outside raking up apples, and shoveling them into a bin. Is anyone else hypnotized by how effortless these motions are? This is a moment of Zen. Aseulu decides to come out and lend a hand, and tells the producers that he doesn’t like living with her parents because he’s not the man of the house anymore. Low isn’t convinced he’s even a man, let alone of any house, and tells Aseulu that he expected him to step it up, and that hasn’t happened yet. Aseulu thanks him for his “advice and concern” with all the passion of someone promising their grandmother a paper letter at the nursing home. Low corrects him that if he expresses his concerns then he and Aseulu are going to have a problem, and the next question will be what did the five fingers say to the face? This should clarify what Aseulu means by “too many people,” but his magic pregnancy stick could add to their brood any episode now.
Next week, I don’t know, because they played us with a season preview instead of a nudge at next week. So instead I can promise that this season Paul and Karine will recreate the famous Kalani/Aseulu car scene (without the Cheetos), Angela will yell about things, Libby’s dad will pay for something, and Aseulu will walk around with a suitcase.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!
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2020.06.15 23:03 fractalfay At one point, I had 15 cats: Recap of Happily Ever After, S05E01

Welcome to Happily Ever After, where no one is happy and we have to watch them forever. This season promises an all-star cast of couples that either aren’t married yet or probably shouldn’t be, to help all of us at home make peace with our life choices.
Colt and his eyebrow-tell are back, because we had no choice in this matter. 90DF DeLorean’s us back to that time Colt thoughtlessly cheated on his mother with Larissa. Colt declares that he bought her everything she ever wanted, except flowers, a car with air conditioning, furniture, and an apartment away from his mother. Then Colt recalls the dark day he threw his baby bottle across the reunion because Larissa wasn’t holding a candle for his mother’s cuisine and slot machine, and was riding another D instead.
It was definitely 90DF’s idea to film him working out in the garage and not sweating, but they forgot to let “Eye of the Tiger” play in the background alongside a montage of slow fitness gains over time. Debbie arrives and reads her lines about not being able to lift even one of those weights, because mah stars isn’t Colt strong? She manages to pull it from the ground with both hands, and Colt Popeye’s it a few more times and stop it 90DF. Stop right now.
Debbie is happy about the divorce, and her ongoing role as the kickstand in Colt’s adult development. Colt brings up the possibility of an open marriage to Debbie, and she immediately disapproves. Colt says that he’s lonely and wants to be with someone, and Debbie is confused about when she stopped being a someone, exactly.
“Colt doesn’t need to date. He needs to crawl back inside me, where its warm,” Debbie declares.
With Colt done with forehead day at the gym, he climbs into the shower to oil up his body for the ladies at home. It’s in this vulnerable state that we learn he has a new girlfriend named Jess who is also from Brazil and currently living in Chicago, working as an au pair, which is fancy-talk for nanny. Debbie doesn’t know, so under the cover of night, Colt unstraps himself from his bed and picks the lock on his bedroom door, to scuttle away and meet his mistress in Chicago. They select a packed sports bar for intimacy, and discuss the finer points of cat ownership. They celebrate their shared feline affection with an awkward hang-ten high-five, and Jess’s cat tattoo tries to run down her arm to escape.
“At one point I had 15 cats, one for each of my tongues,” Colt purrs, before showing her his teeth as a sign of dominance.
“GOOD boy!” She mews in response.
“Do you know what a furry is?” Colt is getting excited now. “Good girl!”
“Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow,” Jess rolls on her back for the exposed-belly trap.
Colts says that usually he takes things slow, like the five days it took him to propose to Larissa, but Jess is different. During this date, Jess decides to educate Colt about the finer points of dating a Brazilian, and how they sometimes have sex on the first date, and also sex, that is sexy. Good thing Colt worked out that forehead earlier, because now it’s flexing like a straight fucking unit. Jess did not know that uttering the s-word would end their date immediately. Next thing you know Colt is tonguing Jess while he waits for a Lyft back to the hotel, before practically finger banging her until she protects her genitals with her purse and locks his fingers in a vice-like grip. Several gross kisses later, I’m bathed in flashbacks to the tongue coming through the phone in Nightmare on Elm Street, and where is Freddy Krueger to assure us this will end if we can just wake up?
Speaking of gross, Larissa is cleaning toilets to finish off community service, which is the free square on her domestic violence Bingo! Card. The hot lawyer makes a cameo as the best part of their story. Larissa says that she bought herself a new ass and an instagram face, and plans to spend the rest of the season either planning a surgery or recovering from one, because her children are her world.
She catches up with some friends at the pool, and admits she dropped Erik because he was cheap and didn’t want to have sex, and she got bored.
“He like lost that loving feeling,” Larissa explains. “Whoa that loving feeling.”
She says that Colt always gave her compliments “after I complained” and that he wanted sex all the time, and that he wasn’t biggie and wasn’t small. Larissa, we have seen the evidence. Don’t fake news us. Colt cancelled his support of her green card, so now she’s got to find another way to stay in the US permanently. From there we somehow end up with Larissa and her roommate Carmen in the kitchen, where she is fisting a turkey with stuffing. Apparently, her quest for citizenship involves Thanksgiving.
Later, Larissa drinks hot chocolate through a straw and calls her dad to ask for money. She tells us it’s awkward but looks totally natural as she asks her dad for 5K. Dude has to check his accounts, and hopes his daughter stops injecting her 90df checks into her face.
Okay everybody make room, make room, we’ve got a professional coming through, make room goddammit! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Angela, gyrating and fondling her own body with booty popping memaw magic, in an erotic dance class with her daughter. Whoever cast her gets a standing ovation every time she walks into the room. At the end of a mother-daughter strip-off Angela replenishes her shed calories with a little help from Coke, and mentions nothing about who decided fuzzy vests were required for this occasion.
Angela is stoked to try out her new moves on Michael, an announcement she makes straddling a chair like the promo of Striptease, and asks Skyla to attend their Nigerian wedding as a witness so Michael can come over on a spousal visa. Skyla refuses, pulling a golden ticket from Willy Wonka’s Logic Bar, with, “You don’t even know how he is around your family.” Angela blinks rapidly to erase this fairy tale intrusion. Still, she agrees to take Skyla’s advice and seek counsel to understand her legal rights in Nigeria pertaining to marriage.
Fresh from dance class, Angela announces that the entire family has moved into a new house with plenty of bedrooms (and a lot of spectacular windows that demand house plants), which is important when you have six grandkids, your daughter, and your mother living with you, and she’s eager for Michael to join them. Michael calls, and she gives him a tour of the house, highlighting the tiny bed he has no choice about, then wandering from room to room while holding her phone like brass knuckles. She reports that she’s sick, and has her period after years of uterine dormancy. Michael thinks this is good news, since Angela’s had PMS for at least two years, and maybe now she’ll just watch Bridezilla and cuddle a water bottle and eat chocolate like women in romantic comedies. Then his phone makes a noise Angela hasn’t heard before, and she immediately assumes this is the cheating siren going off. Michael seems tired, and tells her that he just got tired of his old ringtone, but don’t get all fancy rational when Angela is trying to scream incoherently. After she hangs up on her he calls her back, and tells her that she needs to calm down, but Angela is ready to marry him in Nigeria, not trust him.
Andrei is unemployed in a very masculine way, which means he hangs a television while baby Eleanor looks at him and laughs. He’s been married to Libby for three years, and she works full-time for her dad while Andrei is a stay-at-home dad doing ¼ of the work of the standard stay-at-home parent. This is underscored by Libby’s loving greeting, “What did you do all day, nothing?” He’s planning a second wedding in Moldova, which means saying that he’s planning a second wedding in Moldova, while waiting for Libby’s dad to do something so he can insult him.
Very important: look at Eleanor’s face at the start of each of their segments. The goblin king is going to demand audience with this child.
It’s Libby’s dads birthday, and she found just the right see-through shirt fo the occasion, and is taking her time to get ready. Andrei is not looking forward to it, because he thinks Libby’s family is two-faced, since they openly hate him to his face, and openly hate him behind his back. “That’s my biggest issue. Being a double-faced,” Andrei declares, totally derailing that definition.
The family is all gathered at dad’s house for red Solo cups and tiny hats, complaining about Libby being late in advance, to underscore that the insult Andrei was hunting for is “passive-aggressive”. They anticipate Andrei and Libby blaming it on the baby, despite the fact that all their competition babies were suckling that titty right on time, dammit. Finally they arrive, insisting it was because “the baby was sleeping,” and the sisters race to play the first sad trombone of disappointment. Andrei decides to spice things up by griping about his wife being the only one who offered him a plate of food, because apparently the entire family is supposed to swarm him the moment the troubadour announces his presence. Somehow this becomes “the women ganging up on the men” and I wonder if Libby has ever considered going to these events with just Eleanor.
Andrei then decides to toast Libby’s dad, which means randomly throwing their second wedding in Moldova in the air, along with the expectation that everyone spring for airfare for a foreign country do-over. You can actually see dad’s tiny birthday hat wilting. Libby stares at Andrei with her Solo cup hole hanging open. He says this is happening in a month and would like everyone to be there, which doesn’t really work in terms of planning for international travel with small children, or at all. Libby’s dad is worried he’s going to be left holding the bill for this event, which is the right worry to have, because that’s exactly what Andrei is thinking, too.
On the way home Libby brings up Andrei hijacking her dad’s birthday party with expensive news and a timeline they didn’t agree on, but Andrei is indifferent. Libby insists that the whole point of wedding #2 is to take their time and plan it properly. She seems at a loss about how to confront him, and is apparently just willing to take it indefinitely, because admitting her family was right would be worse. I’m just going to ship her and Kalani moving into a home for women together, for mutual child-rearing support.
Aseulu is back to remind us of the seven year age difference between himself and Kalani. He’s working part-time handing out samples at the grocery store, which means peer pressuring a senior citizen into taking a dessert with a name he can’t remember. Kalani squeezed out her second son, and reports that two kids in two years in difficult, and makes a really good case for using condoms like a slut person. She picks up Aseulu from his work shift, while the kids chatter in the background, and when they arrive at the house he simply gets out and walks in, like a sullen teenager who can’t wait to imitate his mother on TikTok. This leaves Kalani to wrestle two crying children out of the car on her own, and open the door herself. Somehow, the next scene isn’t her leading a fun game of let’s help daddy pack.
Kalani’s mother Lisa and father Low have both moved in, and happily greet these ridiculous cute wee people. Aseulu describes this as “too much people” and Kalani describes this as “help.” Aseulu doesn’t understand why Kalani needs help, because his mother did everything herself and it was easy. All across the country, parents are sharpening their knives.
Apparently after they come home, Aseulu either retreats to video games or goes to play volleyball with his friends. Kalani sits down with Aseulu and the kids, and tries to explain to him that she doesn’t have something like volleyball, she just has the kids 24-7. He adds that he “helps sometimes” and Kalani fires up the PowerPoint outlining how fathers aren’t babysitters, they’re parents. She points out that they haven’t gone on any dates for a long time, and Aseulu says they went to the movies the other night, and Kalani retorts that that was four months ago. To Aseulu they basically date every day, because they’re around each other every day, but Kalani says that she hasn’t been drunk or wearing fancy clothing for any of those occasions. Aseulu glumly resigns himself to a romantic future closely supervised by his in-laws.
Later on, Lisa demonstrates savage chopping skills, while Low is outside raking up apples, and shoveling them into a bin. Is anyone else hypnotized by how effortless these motions are? This is a moment of Zen. Aseulu decides to come out and lend a hand, and tells the producers that he doesn’t like living with her parents because he’s not the man of the house anymore. Low isn’t convinced he’s even a man, let alone of any house, and tells Aseulu that he expected him to step it up, and that hasn’t happened yet. Aseulu thanks him for his “advice and concern” with all the passion of someone promising their grandmother a paper letter at the nursing home. Low corrects him that if he expresses his concerns then he and Aseulu are going to have a problem, and the next question will be what did the five fingers say to the face? This should clarify what Aseulu means by “too many people,” but his magic pregnancy stick could add to their brood any episode now.
Next week, I don’t know, because they played us with a season preview instead of a nudge at next week. So instead I can promise that this season Paul and Karine will recreate the famous Kalani/Aseulu car scene (without the Cheetos), Angela will yell about things, Libby’s dad will pay for something, and Aseulu will walk around with a suitcase.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! Patreon.com/fractalfay
submitted by fractalfay to 90dayfianceuncensored [link] [comments]


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